Well then...

I'm just a train wreck and she doesn't deserve to be hurt because I'm a fucking idiot.

The rhythm of the moment...

I need to write the song that I will sing to myself when I feel I'm not worthy. When I'm not strong enough. When I'm at the end of my rope. I need to write a song to sing to her to tell her everything is going to be alright, I'm a new man. I need to gather the notes and the key from who I am right now. I need to start listening to myself as I am right now. I need the rhythm of my heartbeat. I need all the strength I have within me. This means the world to me, nothing has ever made me happier. I need to sing the song that makes the world stop and mean something...because that's what she does for me.

New chapters

"Will you listen to my story?
It'll just be a minute
How can I explain?

What ever happened here
Never meant to hurt you
How could I cause you so much pain?

When I say I'm sorry
Will you believe me?
Listen to my story
Say you wont leave me
When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe
Will you believe me?

All the words that I come up with
They're like gasoline on flames
There's no excuse
No explanation
Believe me
If I could I'd undo what I did wrong
I'd give away all that I own


If I told you
I've been cleaning my soul
And if I promised you
I'll regain control
Will you open your door
And let me in?
Take me for who I am
And not for who I've been?

Who I've been...

When I say I'm sorry
Can you forgive me?
When I say I'll always be there
Will you believe?"

Daughtry-Sorry


I just can't believe what I've done. The saddest and most sickening part is sometimes, I would forget I ever did it. I was too caught up in her. I need to realize that she loves me for me and who I am, not what I think I NEED to be. But that might change and I have to accept that. I wouldn't blame her.

Powder keg

If I could go one day without saying or doing the wrong thing, I'd be the happiest man on the planet.

Building a ship just to watch it sink

The boards are coming together and the sail is cut. The crew is picked out, a long list of potential travelers cut down to a short few. When it's finished it will sail across the world through storms and calm waters. But for some reason I don't want to leave the beach, the solid ground, the dry soil I'm used to. I can't face the horizons. I can't come to grasp the ocean breeze. The weight of the water and the darkness and the uncertainty is too much for the ship to hold. Why can't I move forward in life? Yea I'm comfortable, but what's the fucking point? It's just an excuse is what it is. And that sickens me. I can't take myself sometimes. I'm just constantly treading water. I need to jump up and swim. I need to change. I need to be everything I choose not to be. It's the hardest god damned thing in the world. I've been trying to be better than I am since day one and I've made little progress. It's time to shape up or ship out. I need to feel the sun illuminate my body from inside and out.

Surgical removal of optimisism

Sometimes I don't listen to myself. I don't listen to anyone. I listen to the little voice in the back of my head that tells me that life is going to be ok, going to work itself out. It has worked out, so far, but I need to stop being so easy-going. I need to stop letting everything just soak in and brushing it aside. I need to speak my mind in a tone that gains respect, not a casual passive sigh. I need to rally, encourage, enrage people's minds, not fill it with the endless relaxed ocean that has never sunk a ship. I need to speak up, branch out, jump over. I need to take each step as if the fires of each star are strewn out on the sidewalk. I need to be larger than life. I can't live in the shadow of those who act upon their minds. I need to shine my own light.

Busy bee

I feel like such an adult lately.

The sun and the silver lining

I was asked a couple of weeks ago what gives me the ability to move on from the past, not let the scars affect the way my life is today. I had no idea what to say then. I told her something about always looking to the positive in your life and forgetting you were ever hurt and all of that cliche stuff. Even though that is true, there is more to it than that. I've had many relationships, big and small, serious and not so serious and I've been hurt many times all over the spectrum. Even though the past makes you who you are, it's who you are in the present that really matters. Instead when something reminds me of the pain of something in the past, I just think of where I am right now. I think of waking up next to her every morning. When some scar from the past is re-visited I don't think about what it meant then, I think about how happy I am NOW. Trust issues used to be a problem for a little while, but then I stopped having them. I realized that people are people, some are good some are bad, and the bad ones always make it so hard for the good ones. So I thought, why let a past relationship hurt the one I've got now? Why make my own rain on my own parade? It's hard to move on from a wound made by someone you cared about, I've had to do it more times than I care to count. It takes time, like everything and there is nothing wrong with that. You really do just need to focus on how good that person makes you feel, and how they will be there through everything, no matter how hard, happy, impossible or jubilant the situation is. I couldn't be happier right now. And I have her to thank for it. I'm going to keep loving and living and laughing with her for a long time.

Roller coaster

Sometimes I'm just so scared of failure it sickens me.

Tripping over metaphors

"If you'd just trust in me, you know I trust you
We'll do all the things that you dream to do
If you'd just let go, just let your heart go

What I do now will affect what comes next
And this life that I lead will be everything you need
I pray to be all that you dream
And I'll die trying to be..."

This Providence-Truth and Reconciliation


Lyrics are just too powerful. I really think sometimes it takes a certain brain structure to write the lyrics that some people do. I guess that's just like some people are just built to be heart surgeons, or calculus teachers or what have you. I can't even think of how many songs I know that make me feel something different for each one. I have memories of certain songs coming into my life, certain people are tied with certain songs, family, friends and all that. Times in my life I can chalk up one album being in the back-round. Songs and words and melodies and harmonies, I mean Jesus, there are 13 notes known to man and think of how many songs have been written. It's just fucked up to think about. All I want is to be remembered as a great writer, a great SONG writer. I don't know if I was made to do it, but someone believes in me and she might be my best inspiration :)

Whirlwind

You cannot predict for a damn where life will take you. Two years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in Addison Park, coming home to the arms of the love of my life after shooting a music video for MTV, I would have told you "You're fucking crazy".

In your atmosphere

Sometimes I just don't think. Sometimes I think too much. Even though I try to be the nicest and sweetest and most thoughtful guy, I can still mess up every now and then. It's human nature. But I don't like it when I do. Hurt the ones I love, even in the tiniest bit. I'm glad to have her, I need her and I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather wake up next to. I just want to be the best for her and I think sometimes that can just overwhelm me and fog my brain. I have the best intentions all the time but sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and live. She loves me for me and that's the most beautiful thing in the world, I should fucking scream at the top of my lungs everyday how amazing a feeling like that is. But instead I just think about doing it. I'm always thinking. I need to start speaking.

Sky

Clouds move back and forth and block out the sun. Life moves back and forth. Happiness and sadness move back and forth. Mistakes and triumphs move back and forth. Ups and downs, lefts and rights, lights and darks. Everything you do will always come back. The happiness you had that you think is lost will come back. Everything gets shrouded by some clouds every now and then. It's our job to realize the sun is always behind them.



"I've got a girl that makes me feel like gold
She always shows me how to see the silver lining..."

What the fuck is wrong with me?

It's time to stop acting like a child...

Untitled

"So I've got this bad habit of always running
When all I need is the sound of the ocean
And the worst part is I don't feel the coastline anymore
So when I get there, I'll take the salt out of the waves
Plug it straight into my veins
Take the blue out of the sky
To get some color back in my eye
And like the sand that moves when the water pushes it forward
I'll move my feet to stay and sink a little deeper...

Oh sweet reunion won't you wash all over me
And take me home
How I've lasted a day here is quite beyond me
And I won't fall asleep tonight
I'd rather sleep right inside the sun
I'd rather burn alive than freeze to death
And it's a bad sign for me when I can start to see my breath

So take my body, come on test me
Cause I am planning a trip for you
And I need to know...
If you'll cross the desert, climb the tallest building
'Cause this won't work without your stare, right beside mine

I feel like a ghost walking in my own skin
Without a song to sing and waiting patiently
If you ever find yourself in California
Wishing you were next to me
Just keep the windows open
'Cause I am in the breeze

I need to know...
If I sail across the ocean, will you come with me?"

I think too much

And I've concluded that I couldn't be more content with my life.

Brilliance

I think there is a lot more to the word "smart". "Intelligent" is another word that strikes me the same way.  Intelligence is more than grades, more than facts. Intelligence is having the ability to live life while making the best decisions. Maybe some choices we make aren't for the best, but it takes an even smarter person not to keep making them. But we can decide to do many things. Listen to our friends and loved ones when they need an ear. Give one hundred percent of yourself and still give more if people ask you. Love someone. Cry when you need to and yell when you have to. Know what's best for you in life. Do what matters the most. Do what's important to you. Fill your life with people that make you feel your best. Realize everyone makes mistakes. You can decide to do or not to do any of these things, it takes a smart person to make them, but it takes an intelligent person to make them without thinking twice. People who live and make other peoples lives better are the most intelligent people on earth and I know someone that does that for me.

Say what you need to say...

I don't even know where to begin. I'm so happy and scared and clueless and wide eyed and hopeful and safe I don't even know what to say. I get so rushed in my head my words come out too fast or I can't remember what I meant to say or I talk too soft or I repeat the same thing five times in a conversation. But it's all because I'm in love. And she is so wonderful. She has shown me what it's like to be happy again. She helped me in the winter. Anytime I'm feeling worried or sad or happy she is there. We can do anything from city visits to watching T.V. in her bed or taking naps. Anything and everything. Every second is more amazing then the last one. She gives me confidence, strength, a reason to be a better person. She is beautiful. Smart. Caring. She has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen in a person. I have the most respect for her. She has the world on her shoulders and yet she handles it with such grace. Before I ramble too much I just wanted to say that life will always bring you back. No matter how bad it gets. It will always bring you back to a safe place. A comforting place. I see the sunshine even at night when I talk to her. I am in love with her and I am in love with life.

You were freezing over hell

Life just fits now-a-days. I wake up and the sun is always shining. I love being wrapped around her. God damn this feels good...

I am but a man...

God, there are just too many thoughts in my head. This morning I thought my mind was going to expand so large it would take over the entire world. I was thinking about my family, my job, my health, my friends, my relationship. I woke up in the weirdest mood today. I woke up somewhere that makes me happy, but I was worried about the future. I woke up in someone's arms and that person filled me with all the warmth I could ever need, but I still wondered if I was letting her know how much she meant to me, or if I was good enough. I felt fortunate for my family, but was upset I wasn't on my own. Too many thoughts, too many fears, too many things to be happy about. I came to realize a little while ago tonight that there will always be too much of everything. Humans cannot exist in this world anymore without having too much of everything, but some things are good to have in excess. Laughter, the will to go on, strength, kindness, and someone to love. I was thinking earlier tonight that no matter how much my brain fills with doubt or sadness, there is always more happiness and hope to consume it. I am a happy man, a strong man, a loving man, a forgiving man, an honest man and I will live my life to reflect just that.



"People only see what they are prepared to see."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The world goes 'round

Change is fucked up. Any change. Something as small as forwarding your address, what does that mean? It means you've moved. You've changed where you live, your state of mind. You change. Your friends change. You make change. One true fact about this world is everything changes constantly. Every day is different. You say different things. You do different things. You change your mind, your feelings. I like change, I welcome it. It takes courage to accept change. Sometimes it's weird and frightening but the people who have their heads on straight will overcome it. It was hard for me to move back home, but I'm still here, alive, happy, what more could I ask. Life throws it in our face. We all have the tools to handle it. Loved ones, friends, our own sense of adventure. I can do it because I have an amazing family, even better friends, and a girl I am absolutely crazy about. Fucking bring it on change.

My jaw hurts

I find it ridiculous how one person can make me smile so much.

Until I soar again...

The future is a funny thing. So is the past. The present is the only thing you can really rely on because it's the only thing you really can hold onto. You memory gets fuzzy and you have no clue what life is going to bring you so the present is the clearest vision of your life. But even though that may be so, I like my fuzzy memory and I like not knowing what the future holds. I've been doing some thinking, mostly about where my life is taking me. I start school back up in the fall and that in itself is a new chapter. But what will that mean for my life? Where will I be in ten years if I go through school again? A new state? A new frame of mind? It both excites and scares the hell out of me. But I also look at the past a lot. Who you are depends on who you've been. I believe that a look down memory lane every once in a while is good. We are who we have always been. And who we are today is the most important thing. More important then the blueprints leading up to now. More important than the preparation and thought of the future. The most important thing we can do is be true to ourselves now. Live in THIS moment. I like who I am. Who I've become. What I'm doing with my life. Recently these days, I smile more than I ever have. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. That is what I am focusing on...

Strength...

It's not common. True strength. Strength is being able to come to grips with the bad in life and deal with it. It's admitting life is tough but overcoming doubt anyway. It's letting the horrible situations in life take you over, make you cry but then shattering the boundaries of your own fears. Strength lies in the heart. It is in your friends and loved ones. Strength is asking for help. Strength to me is a beautiful thing. When life throws holes in your path, holes that test our well being, it takes wits to avoid them. It takes true strength to fall in and pull yourself out again...

Writers block is a pain in the ass

This is my new best friend...


http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Writer's-Block

God damn

I hate goodbyes and it's simply because it means I'm not with her. I fumble my words because I can't look at here when I speak. Words cut out over the lines and I can't kiss her forehead through the receiver on her phone. I'm glad she thinks I'm so amazing and I'm glad I make her happy. It's all I ever want because she does the same for me. Tonight was a good night.

"She thinks I'm crazy
Judging by the faces that she's making
And I think she's pretty
But pretty is just part of the things she does that amaze me
And she calls me sweetheart
I love it when she wakes me when it's still dark
And she watches the sun
But she's the only one I have my eyes on

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight
You know I need you
Just like you need me
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming


And she moves in closer.
Whispering to me, 'I thought I told ya.'
And oh she's playing games now
And I've figured it out now that we're, now that we're closer
Two kids, one love
Who cares if we make it up?
Her voice is sweet sound
Our clothes lay on the ground

She moves in closer
Whispers, 'I thought I told ya'

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright.
Are you thinking of me?
Just come to me tonight
You know I need you
Just like you need me
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming.


Remember the day when we started this
And she made the shape of my heart with her hands
We try to make some sense of it
But she called me on the phone and said...

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright.
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight.
You know I need you, just like you need me.
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming.

Go on and tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
Are you thinking of me?
Just come to me tonight
And she moves in closer
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming"


-The Maine, I must Be Dreaming




I'm making a mix as we speak and that's the first song because it's fucking awesome. It's funny how music has this power over us as human beings. Lyrics and melodies have this hold on our hearts and our souls. It can lift you up or tear you down and I love that about music. Memories flow forth from the soothing or crashing or rhythmic pulse of the song. I think we over look that sometimes. This mix I'm making, the songs on it represent what I feel right now for someone. It's funny how people I've never met seem to steal the thoughts and the love and the words right out of my mouth.

The sunshine and the ocean waves

Sometimes I just get so god damned homesick, even though I've lived here for so many years. It's just still in my mind, life back then. But then I think about all of the things that have happened to me here, good and bad. The people I've met, the places I've been, the things I've seen, the friends I love. I just miss it though. And I get so pissed off, but why? There's no reason for it. I have all of the feelings of beauty and warmth and safety in her. She brings out the best feelings in me. She is the sunshine. She is the ocean. She makes me so happy. I'll always miss home, but for now I have to remember that there are people who make this place more like home every day.

If people can change, then the world can change...

If you remember how the world was five years ago, ten years ago, you'll remember a world that was still on the fence about how much of a mess it was going to be in. It was a very tense time because everything was going so well but all it needed was a little push in either direction. Bill Clinton had the economy shining, we were in surplus, the middle east was still in shambles, but peace talks were happening. Alternative fuels and hybrid cars were becoming a reality. Now this isn't going to be a political post (even though the U.S. and the world started it's decent into hell once George Dubya took office), but rather what I have observed as a human being. The world now is on the home stretch. Countries both friend and foe are getting restless. Failing economies, civilian uprisings, fucking gas prices, everything in this world has changed from new innovations and handshakes between nations, to the last few straws on the donkey's back. It makes me worry sometimes. But a funny thing happened this past week. Thursday night I went out to this restaurant with my girlfriend. It was just a small Italian restaurant, in a small town, in a relatively small state. We didn't need to be rich, we didn't need to own billion dollar companies, we didn't need to be anyone but ourselves. We had the world on our table and we just talked, laughed, looked at each other and kissed each other. It was just what we needed. Just what I needed. Because it showed me that even when the world may not be in the best shape, all we need is each other. Human beings just need each other. We just need to feel something real. Money is not real, power is not real, buildings and empires are not real. Love is real. Friendship is real. Family is real. These are the things that we need to focus on. Some of us have lost sight of what's important. What's really important. Every since that night outside of that restaurant sitting with that amazing girl, I've realized that we just need each other. The world needs to realize as human beings, we just need each other. Stop the greed. Stop the fucking hatred, racism, bigotry. Just love everyone you can and offer your hand to those in need. Bring back humanity. The world can be a better place, we just need to start with ourselves.

Baby...

You make me sing...

Random lyric/thought

Water from the clouds is falling down and it blurs my vision
I could care less about the chill that runs up my arms
You have a vicious way of bringing warmth to my bones
It's something so passionate it splits the sky in two

Bring back the lightning, bring back the pounding in my chest
I'd hold the wind in my hand
Claim that I have the power to change the world
I have the power to change the course of where this ship will go


I'd kill to have that feeling back again...


But life is life is life, so I'm taking it all in
Every moment and every sight
Everything in life comes together and breaks away
And comes back stronger and I'm starting to figure out the rhythm






Sometimes I just write and see what comes out.

The good in life

The best things in life don't happen unless you take risks. Risk yourself and throw your heart out onto the table. Be who you are and hope people accept you. If they don't, too bad. Always be real, never fake. Smile when you're happy, cry when you're sad, never hold your emotions inside. Let yourself risk getting hurt, let yourself try something new. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right. Not what other people tell you to do. Fall in love; take a chance. Hope the other person feels the same. Love is a risk, it could bring either pleasure or pain. Sometimes both. Life is a gamble, you never know what it'll bring. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past. Find the good in everybody. Think positive; do positive. Break the rules and take a chance of getting caught. Dance in the rain when everyone else is inside. Don't follow the crowd. Who cares if you fit in? Wear your emotions on your sleeve and dive into love.

The sky is falling...

God damn. That was one of the longest and loudest thunderstorms of my fucking life last night. I couldn't sleep at all, I was forced to listen to the roar and watch the light show from my window. I hid my head under the pillow at one time to try and block the noise and the light but that didn't work. I guess that's kind of how life works too. Sometimes the patches of gray clouds and the storms and the thunder and the rain last for way longer then we can handle. Sometimes we feel like hiding under our pillow. But there will always be people there to help you through the storms that are in your life. It's better to face the clouds and the rain with someone standing next to you. In the end it will only make things better. We have to hold our heads up, even when we're facing the impossible. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...

Love is all you need

Words and phrases and laughter and comfort can really change the tide of a night. I feel trapped in my own home, but talking to just one person tonight made me feel like I could fly anywhere I wanted to go. She's known to do that to me.

The future freaks me out...

I need to stop thinking about the past and the future and focus on what's happening right in front of me. Live for the moment kind of shit. Carpe fucking Diem...


"I'm on fire, and now I think I'm ready to bust a move."

Sunrise goodbyes

Man, I always fumble my words when I say goodbye to someone. To anyone. For some reason I just want to keep talking and to hear the person's voice. I didn't want to say goodnight tonight, I wanted to say "I wish I didn't have to stop hearing you speak, I wish my night could be filled with your words in my ear" but it didn't come out like that. What came out was the dribble of someone who's heart flutters every time she speaks.

Home sweet home...

God damn the man, I'm back home. There's about a million thoughts and memories going through my head right now, so to try and make some sense of all of it is an uphill battle. It's put me in a really weird mood these past couple of days, so hopefully after a week back home, that will go away. But life is going along just fine, I have my friends, my health, an amazing girlfriend and I still have my optimism about the future. I want to be a better person, she makes me want to be a better person. She gives me so much light, I want to try and reflect it right back at her, I think sometimes I just over-do it. It's just been so long since I've felt this way about someone that I want to tell her every second. I want to tell her I'm trying to be the best man I can be to her. That I look at life in a different way ever since she walked into mine. I just want her to know everything I'm thinking about her, everything that is in my heart and soul. But before I start to ramble I'll cut this short and say that even though I feel trapped in this house, this is my home for now, it has been for a while and I need to be thankful that I have a family to go back to. Some people aren't that lucky. Here's a song idea...



"When the sun is out
You make my day brighter
When the nights get cold
You make my body warmer

I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
From the top of this house
That you are the only one for me

But for now...that will wait

And I hope to god
That after I've talked your ears off
With a novels worth of words
You know that you're what makes me really sing..."




You mean the world to me.

As the waves crash blue around me...

I think a lot before I go to bed. There is something about the night time that fills my head with all of un-finished thoughts and song ideas etc. but mostly I just think about what's important to me. Usually they say that people think of what stresses them out. Bills they forgot to pay, issues with people or friends or lovers. But not me. I think of what made me smile during the day. Memories of things I miss and memories of things I still hold dear to me. It makes me happy and sad and confused and full of wonderment all at the same time. Life holds many things for us. I'm happy with what I've done so far, who I've met, the choices I've made. That's what I think about most.

I'll marry the sun

"I swear I'll marry the sun
And throw it's loving arms around me
And this will be a love
That will scorch my skin and bones

Well bring the pain and bring the nights
Where the sun lights up the moon
Because then all I will see is your shadow
But I know you'll be back to me soon"



Life has it's ups and it's downs. Sometimes it seems the lows in the roller coaster far out-number the highs. I think what we all need to hang onto is the fact that we will always have people in our lives that we share all of the ups and downs with. And these days that's a beautiful thought to think. We are never ever really alone. So come smiles or tears or fists of anger or pure unbridled happiness, there will always be someone there to share all of it.

Fight the good fight for as long as you can...

It's been a while since I've had something this important in my life. I will be strong. I'm going to pour everything that I am into it.

Baby, baby, baby

" I can't stand the sight of my own door
My eyes and my head were left on your floor
And my soul is on fire, my heart barley ticks
Because when you speak, sunshine pours in-between your lips

You keep me warm when it's winter
Happy when life is bitter
And every love song that I hear call out to me
I know it's because your name is hidden in the melody..."


Man, it's easy to write songs when I'm just thinking about her :)

Everything is everything...

"I philosophy
Possibly speak tongues
Beat drum, Abyssinian, street Baptist
Rap this in fine linen
From the beginning
My practice extending across the atlas
I begat this
Flippin' in the ghetto on a dirty mattress
You can't match this rapper / actress
More powerful than two Cleopatras
Bomb graffiti on the tomb of Nefertiti
MCs ain't ready to take it to the Serengeti
My rhymes is heavy like the mind of Sister Betty
L. Boogie spars with stars and constellations
Then came down for a little conversation
Adjacent to the king, fear no human being
Roll with cherubims to Nassau Coliseum
Now hear this mixture
Where hip hop meets scripture
Develop a negative into a positive picture

Now, everything is everything
What is meant to be, will be
After winter, must come spring
Change, it comes eventually"

Lauryn Hill-Everything Is Everything


I'll tell you, there is nothing I appreciate more in the music world than outstanding female vocals.

To Live And Die In L.A.

"Blind to a broken man's dream, a hard lesson
Court cases keep me guessing, plea bargain
ain't an option now, so I'm stressing, cost me more
to be free than a life in the pen
Making money off of cuss words, writing again
Learn how to think ahead, so I fight with my pen
Late night down Sunset liking the scene
What's the worst they could do to a nigga got me lost in hell
To live and die in LA on bail, my angel sing

To live and die in LA, it's the place to be
You've got to be there to know it, what everybody wanna see"




Man, why haven't I ever listened to 2 Pac before? He's pretty fucking awesome. I used to think rap was a joke growing up, more so because my parents were against it...and for good reasons. But these artists (yes, rap and hip-hop is an art form, you try doing that shit) are simply amazing. I've been turned on to a lot of rap/hip-hop groups and it's amazing to see another side of the music spectrum. I just wish I would have opened my eyes earlier.

Sun showers

And just like that. A dark patch of clouds in a sea of blue. You could see the line of when the rain stopped and started again. All the while the sun is shining. That was just awesome to see. Made me stop and relax and just take it all in.

Ya done son

U-Haul reservation for Monday: Done
Metro self storage unit confirmed: Done
Classes picked out for the fall: Done


Take that procrastination. Now for a fucking nap.

A simple task

So much to do today, it's hard to get started. That's the worst part (and feeling) is when you have to do the things you don't really want to do, but you know they'll make your life easier. I move out in less than a week and I have way too many boxes to pack, memories to leave, thoughts to think. I just wish it could be done. But shit man, that's life you know?


"I am a simply but a man
I have my share of faults
Some of them I can prevent
Some others I cannot

But the ones I have the power to change
Make me quiver at the knees
Because if I could change them rapidly
I could be who I dream to be..."

Procrastination is the devil. So is missing someone. And traffic. And Mosquito bites. And the knowledge that summer always comes to a halt each year. But what's good about this particular summer is who I have become. I still have some faults, this much I know, but I like who I am, who I'm with, the friends that have become closer to me and the greavences I've almost laid to rest. I also can't thank whatever force lead me to her, enough. This is the happiest I've been since I can remember :)


If you need to find me, I'll be packing my room up into cardboard boxes.

Albums on repeat lately...


Talib Kweli: Reflection Eternal
The Cab: Whisper War
Brand New: The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
Anberlin: Cities


Especially that last one. These guys are so fucking good. Didn't really care too much for their first two efforts but god damn, these are some great songs. Definitely worth checking out.


"I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment
For the rest of our lives


I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first love
Till you're lying here beside me
With arms and eyes open wide
I wanna be your last, first kiss for all time"

Anberlin-Inevitable

"Don't try to wake me up
Even if the sun really does come out tomorrow
Don't believe anything you say
Anymore in the morning
Bricks to this old house are breaking
Steel would have weathered
It's alarming how loud the silence screams
No warning
Addictions fill the table where the family used to sit
And conversate to the sounds
To the sounds of a record player
With it's jumping needle and the lights that grow dim over time

With downcast eyes
There's more to living than being alive"

Anberlin-Alexithymia

That's some good shit right there.

Sleep is hell with someone on your mind

I am a lucky guy. I need to start realizing that more.

Lyric

"I've found I'm not a man of the winter
I breathe fire when I sleep
And in my dreams I feel the winds of summer
And the warmth pours out of me"

Passion baby, passion

I think about what that word means sometimes. People throw it around a lot without taking into effect what it really means. To live passionately, to me, is to live for something, not just really digging your job or a new lawnmower you just bought. I am passionate about music, family, love, life, my friends. These are the things that make us who we are, not material objects. I was told recently that I have a passion for music and I guess I never really realized it until they told me. Music definitely is one of my passions. So is my relationship. So are my family and friends. Whatever is in your head most of the day. Whatever makes it worth getting up in the morning. The things you would give your life for. The things that have changed your life for the better. That is what it means to be passionate about something.

There is more to living than being alive...

I've been alone most of my life. Not the alone you would usually think. Doing things by myself. Spending nights in my room with my own thoughts. Doing things on my own time. I've had many friends and relationships come and go. I've met many people in my life and I am grateful for that. But for the last year or so I find myself wanting more out of everything. Life, love, work, music, just everything. But recently I haven't been alone at night. Or in the daytime. Even when there is no one in the room. I love who I am these days. Maybe it's the fact I came out of the winter with more optimism. Maybe it's what I learned from the recent ending of the band. But I wake up these days feeling like a better person. Mostly because I am waking up with her arms wrapped around me. All I know is the sun burns brighter. I am in love with being alive.