Surgical removal of optimisism

Sometimes I don't listen to myself. I don't listen to anyone. I listen to the little voice in the back of my head that tells me that life is going to be ok, going to work itself out. It has worked out, so far, but I need to stop being so easy-going. I need to stop letting everything just soak in and brushing it aside. I need to speak my mind in a tone that gains respect, not a casual passive sigh. I need to rally, encourage, enrage people's minds, not fill it with the endless relaxed ocean that has never sunk a ship. I need to speak up, branch out, jump over. I need to take each step as if the fires of each star are strewn out on the sidewalk. I need to be larger than life. I can't live in the shadow of those who act upon their minds. I need to shine my own light.

Busy bee

I feel like such an adult lately.

The sun and the silver lining

I was asked a couple of weeks ago what gives me the ability to move on from the past, not let the scars affect the way my life is today. I had no idea what to say then. I told her something about always looking to the positive in your life and forgetting you were ever hurt and all of that cliche stuff. Even though that is true, there is more to it than that. I've had many relationships, big and small, serious and not so serious and I've been hurt many times all over the spectrum. Even though the past makes you who you are, it's who you are in the present that really matters. Instead when something reminds me of the pain of something in the past, I just think of where I am right now. I think of waking up next to her every morning. When some scar from the past is re-visited I don't think about what it meant then, I think about how happy I am NOW. Trust issues used to be a problem for a little while, but then I stopped having them. I realized that people are people, some are good some are bad, and the bad ones always make it so hard for the good ones. So I thought, why let a past relationship hurt the one I've got now? Why make my own rain on my own parade? It's hard to move on from a wound made by someone you cared about, I've had to do it more times than I care to count. It takes time, like everything and there is nothing wrong with that. You really do just need to focus on how good that person makes you feel, and how they will be there through everything, no matter how hard, happy, impossible or jubilant the situation is. I couldn't be happier right now. And I have her to thank for it. I'm going to keep loving and living and laughing with her for a long time.

Roller coaster

Sometimes I'm just so scared of failure it sickens me.

Tripping over metaphors

"If you'd just trust in me, you know I trust you
We'll do all the things that you dream to do
If you'd just let go, just let your heart go

What I do now will affect what comes next
And this life that I lead will be everything you need
I pray to be all that you dream
And I'll die trying to be..."

This Providence-Truth and Reconciliation


Lyrics are just too powerful. I really think sometimes it takes a certain brain structure to write the lyrics that some people do. I guess that's just like some people are just built to be heart surgeons, or calculus teachers or what have you. I can't even think of how many songs I know that make me feel something different for each one. I have memories of certain songs coming into my life, certain people are tied with certain songs, family, friends and all that. Times in my life I can chalk up one album being in the back-round. Songs and words and melodies and harmonies, I mean Jesus, there are 13 notes known to man and think of how many songs have been written. It's just fucked up to think about. All I want is to be remembered as a great writer, a great SONG writer. I don't know if I was made to do it, but someone believes in me and she might be my best inspiration :)

Whirlwind

You cannot predict for a damn where life will take you. Two years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in Addison Park, coming home to the arms of the love of my life after shooting a music video for MTV, I would have told you "You're fucking crazy".