I know you don't check this anymore. But if you find yourself here again, I want this to be the last thing you read. This used to be such a…weird thing. This used to be something I thought was bigger than me and I was all "poetic" and "inspiring." But it was mainly the drunk ramblings of a man that had no idea who he was or what he was doing. Well I know now and maybe it's too late.
It's poetic really, that my last post on this…thing, is one about you. It's always been about you. Since the moment I first saw you as those doors opened up, I knew you'd be a constant. A star. The moon as it pushes the waves. The fire in the heart of the earth that keeps it spinning. I've learned recently though, that some things aren't meant to be constant. That constants are there because there are so many things that depend on them. But on earth, things break down. Trains are late. Computers freeze. Cars break down. Life is so full of uncertainty, and pain, and frustration. Life is messy, these days there are just so many…things…that can happen. So many avenues to find out about those things. So many ways to communicate, or not communicate. This life has become a whirlwind of old ideas turned new and vice versa. We live in such a "I have no fucking idea what's going on" type of world. Sometimes we figure it out, but deep down, it's there. Everything is new and everything old is slowly fading away. And we're all just scattering to adapt. But sometimes we find the calmness that gets us through it all. Sometimes we find someone to guide us.
Because you're bigger than cars. Bigger than trains. Smarter than computers. More certain about what it is life means to you than anyone I've ever met. We've both been fighting very different battles these past few months. But what's beautiful about us, is that we've been fighting them side by side. I know now, I might not be the man who you fight alongside with for the rest of our lives. I had a very emotional day today. Good emotional. The kind of emotion that comes from cold wind and bright sunshine. And I realized that, even knowing you for a minute; getting to experience your heart and mind and hear your thoughts and views about this little blue marble we float on, was enough. I am the luckiest man in the world for even owning the privilege to call you by your name.
So if this is it for us, I will go on feeling love and hope. Because even though I would always miss you and I would always want to be your love, I know that maybe it was only meant to be for a short while, to show us both some things about this life we live. We've been through so much already and I still sleep next to you. We've had our desperation and our fear, but we still laugh together. There is something so beautiful here, who knows what it will turn out to be. Whether we choose to re-discover this or walk away, I'll have loved you and always will. But you know me and even though I write those words, I won't give up just yet. Not a goddamn chance. So if you ever read this, maybe months or years from now, just know, that no matter what happens or where I am or what I'm doing...
When you're ready, I'm ready.
Always,
Dave
