The sun will shine

And just like that, life goes on.

"Wherever you are, be there totally"

The warmth and the light and the cold and my life

I came out of a place of great warmth tonight. As I started to drive away I started to shiver almost uncontrollably because of the sudden shock of the cold. It passed though. Because when I got home, I stared into the night sky and thought about, well everything. I noticed I was no longer cold. I noticed that as my body adjusted, I welcomed the cold. I think that's a great metaphor for life.

We are constantly shifting from warm places to cold places. We get used to the life we're in. But suddenly we are thrust from places of great warmth to places of hopeless cold. But soon, the cold isn't so bad and then the warmth washes over us.

I'm so speechless around you. Anything I do or say never does justice to the sunshine I feel in my head for you. I've always used other artists and other poets to put into words what I could never hope to convey. Anything I've ever said or done has been out of frustration. Whether good or bad, anything I've ever done is because I can't find the words.

The warmth and the cold, always staying and always leaving.

Whoa

Man, what a crazy night. Been a weird morning too. But anyway, I had this crazy drunken post for last night but as you can see, I didn't make it very far. I think I made some good points to myself, but I wrote them in a very angry fashion. And that's not right.

Basically, I don't really like who I've become recently. Well, that sounds bad. I think I've lost a lot of my self-confidence. I got it into my head that people don't want to be around me, or how could they love me, or how could they think I'm funny. Well, that's fucking stupid isn't it? I am who I am. I like who I am. But I've let thoughts like change me into a submissive shell. I'm still the same guy I've always been, but I don't show it. And that's really sad.

On that point, I've beat myself up about not going to school and being really lazy about life. Well I forget that I was in two bands, one which almost made it. I spent those four years creating beautiful music, meeting a lot of amazing people, having the time of my life (almost too much fun sometimes) and living a small piece of my dream. So who the fuck cares if I didn't go to school? That's not to say it's not a smart idea. I really respect people who are in school or already did the work. It's smething I really wish I possessed. What I'm trying to say, is that I had an experience very few people will have. So I should be thankful. Like I've said, I want to try and go back to school because it's a really smart decision. I just need to remind myself I had my own 4 years of something incredible.

I also would have never met Kate if I went to school. That's crazy to think about. I wish I would have gone to school so that her and I would be at similar places, but then I never would have been at CPK when she got there, it's like some crazy paradoxical universe theory. But again, I am who I am and she fell in love with me back then for it. I should remember that. But anyway.

On the subject of music, the other night I went to Tony Doppke's studio and listened to some of the new Lake Shore Drive stuff. It is phenomenal. And just being there with those guys and some of their friends, meeting new people again, talking about everything, it really re-kindled my passion for it. I can't wait for the summer when we can give Addison Park a real shot. God damn, it was the most wonderful feeling I've felt in a ong time being there.

Well I guess that's about it for now. I was really hatein' (sp?) last night, glad I didn't post what I wrote haha.

It's time to put the light back into my life. I've learned a lot recently. I've learned I don't need to play the victim. To not lie. To be true to myself. To grow up.

I got a glimpse of a great life and even though I'm sad as hell it's over, I'd like to think we'll be better people for it. I know I will...



"I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who could only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'till the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring"

My drunkene self realization

Fuck.

You can never say never

I am only now seeing the man I will become. I am now seeing that this rut is not the best place for me, that I am capable of great things. I want to get to that moment where I am who I'm supposed to be more than anything. I just wish I could get there sooner. I wish I would have woken up to this a while ago. I wish many things.

God damn man

Just listen to yourself. Don't fill your head with bullshit. Don't pretend to do and be what you think people want you to do or be. Just do what you feel for once in your fucking life.


Love,
Yourself

Disassembling my body

It's nights like tonight I wish I could take my eyes and put them under my bed. Take my arms and legs and put them under a couch. Take my head which hold my thoughts and place it behind a bookcase. I wish these things so I could rest easy, without my eyes wanting to see the things I cannot see, without my legs being tempted to walk certain places and my arms wanting to write the messages I cannot send, and my head and my mind from feeling the endless tug of "what could have been".

Sometimes I feel poetic. Sometimes too much. Sometimes sad songs make me feel happy, and happy songs break me down. Sometimes life makes sense, sometimes you curse the sky for making you feel like nothing fits together. But sometimes, it just clicks. We are all beautiful when we cry, we are all beautiful when we forgive, we are all beautiful when we wake up in the morning and when we go to bed at night.

Let's forget about everything except the world we create for ourselves.


"Everybody says that time heals everything
What of the wretched hollow, the endless in between?
Are we just going to wait it out?"

Falling asleep in an iceberg...

Sometimes at night, I roll around trying desperately to find the warm spots in my bed and I can't find any because you're body isn't next to mine.

The rhythm of the waves

"Everything is OK. Nothing is as bad as it ever seems and in five years it wont mater anyway."

Perfect. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Everything helps. But it will always be with me, this love. I read quotes sometimes and they help. Quotes like these amaze me. Some people just have a way with words. I'm glad people like that are alive.

Where will life take you...

No one knows. But that's life you know? If it was what you expected it would be boring and meaningless. This year so far, I've learned so many things, loved so much and now as it draws to an end, it hasn't stopped. And it never will. Life goes on whether you want it to or not. I've learned recently I need to move with life. Not against it.

I get too comfortable. With life I mean. And love. When life goes good, I just sit. I think "Well I got here, so now I don't have to do anything." That's...well the simple way of putting it. It's a hurricane of thoughts whenever that subject comes up. With love and life, I lose the fight I think. It's not like I give up though. Let's try this again I guess.

With my recent band (well two years ago) we started doing really well, we wrote some pretty good songs and were on our way. So in my head I thought "Great, now I can just coast." I still worked hard, don't get me wrong, but I lost what made me get there in the first place. I lost a little bit of the passion.

With love, well I've really only loved with my whole heart once, I do the same thing, I get comfortable. That doesn't mean I don't love with every ounce of me, I do, I just think "Well, we have the love, hooray!" But life and love aren't a game. Once you receive good things that doesn't mean it ends. It's only just beginning. It constantly changes. Life constantly changes. Love constantly teaches you new things. Well, fuck. Thank god I'm starting to learn this at twenty-four (well, almost twenty-five).

I feel like I'm waiting for something. I've been waiting my entire life. I think I had it, but I was too wrapped up in everything. Too wrapped up in my selfish tendencies. Too wrapped in what I did or didn't deserve, who I was or wasn't. It's been that way my whole life. Anyway.

What I want to get out of life is completely different than what I wanted out of life five years ago. And I like that. It came at a couple of costs. I realized I can wish and want until I'm blue in the face. But I need to be the change I seek, to quote Ghandi a little bit. I can write in this blog and write in my social networking sites and can read and write and look up advice and do all of the mess except for what matters. Doing it.

So do it. And do it with love.


"She's a little too good for me
She's gonna change me if I let her
She's a little too good for me
But I'm getting better

I'm getting better
Yea, I'm getting better"

Dead of night

It's so late. But it's almost calming. It's always a little late for me. Well, timing is everything and everything happens for a reason.



"Sold my life to bring the rain"

Life

Sometimes it just happens, falls apart and comes right back together. It's all life can do. Out of all the thoughts and ideas, I think I like that one the most. It's a good one to keep in your mind.



"Life's too short and precious not to be lived with a smile on your face."

Sweet

Oooo this new layout is kinda cool...

I stumbled upon that picture with the flowers and that quote. I think it's beautiful. It's almost a perfect motivator for me. Ive always accepted failure. I've always accepted that I was a failure. And why? For what? Attention, pity, love? All of the things I didn't think I could receive or deserved. That's really sad. I've loved and have been loved, more than I'll ever know. It's just been a continuous cycle of breaking myself down so others would build me up higher, just so I could throw it in their face and tear myself down even more. That sounds really over-dramatic and it's not bad as it seems but it was still bad enough to make me who I've become. Well anyway, enough with that pathetic "woe is me, here is why I'm a horrible person" rubbish.

The quote makes me feel like I should be doing everything I told myself I couldn't do. Cliche? Yes. True? Hell yes. Sometimes it just takes other people's words to start the change.



"I'm the cold when it rains"

Once they set in

Many things to think about. The future is the big one. I really like to exercise. It helps clear my head, makes me feel pretty good too. It was really hard for me to get out of bed today. I was so warm. Now it's time to face the world. Bummer.

I had a really good night last night. It felt amazing to see some people I haven't seen in a long time. Sometimes I feel we just coast through this life. The days are really starting to pile up. I really need to start speaking up, acting out, just living.

So get going.


"Yesterday's just a memory and tomorrow is never what it's supposed to be"
Bob Dylan-Don't Fall Apart On Me Tonight

Lack of sleep

Uh oh...not again! It usually happens right when the weather takes it turn to colder temperatures, so meh.

Many dreams, many things.

And also, Jessey Lacey is the fucking man.

Damn

Albums on repeat:

John Mayer-Battle Studies
Sherwood-QU
Paramore-Brand New Eyes
Lyyke Li-Youth Novels
Brighten-Early Love

Also the 30 Seconds To Mars single "Kings and Queens" absolutely takes my fucking breath away.

Well it's about time I suppose

Snow is here. Hooray! I'm not that excited about it, but there is something bigger that the presence of the snow represents. It's a challenge. A challenge for me not to hide this winter. To keep the attitude of bettering myself constant through this usually horrible time. That's why I'm sort of excited about the snow. It'll be a nice change I think. I've lived the past seven or eight years hating the winter, it might be nice for me to welcome it. The nights will be long. Not looking forward to that.

I'm still sad, but it's different. When I used to get sad, I would beat myself up, I would think the world was ending and it was my doing and that made everything worse, it affected everyone around me too, in a bad way. These days I'm sad for my lose, I miss it so much but I'm not beating up myself over it. I'm not killing myself over it. Sure I've written here (maybe too much haha) that I need to change, I need to repair and that's true, I have become somewhat of a different person, but making things better will help everything. I know that sounds confusing but it makes sense. I can handle things differently now.

I'd just like to think of this as a time I can take this season and build a stronger everything. Winter is known to make things cold and brittle and miserable. Well, maybe I can use that to my advantage, when my body breaks, build it back better. When my mind is cloudy, the storm will settle and it will be clearer. When my heart and soul are frozen solid, the ice will melt and they will be stronger. That's what I'm excited about this winter. It's almost perfect. Almost.



"It sure been a hard, hard winter
My feet been draggin' across the ground
And I hope it's gonna be a long hot summer
And a lotta love will be burnin' bright"

It's the waiting

It's gonna be a good day.

Trying to sleep tonight

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Navigating the battlefield

It's a gray day. Not the greatest day for optimism. But I'm gonna wrap myself up in it anyway. It's all I can do right? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think a lot of things. There are many battles left to face. I'm only starting out. Things are going well so far, at least as well as they can. Luckily this time, instead of just saying I'm going to change some things for the better, I'm actually doing them and that feels great. It's enough to feel good about. But there's still something missing. And that's how it's going to be for a while. I wish I could change it, trust me, I've been trying to figure it out. If I had the power or the knowledge or the right words I would. It's like stepping through a minefield with a blindfold. You already lack the knowledge of where the danger is, the blindfold doesn't add any advantage for the field, it's just there to add an even greater sense of weakness...well that's a little cliche, probably going in the book haha, I'll have to come back and work on that one.

I know how I feel, I am aware of everything and I guess that's one battle I've got under control. Well I could ramble on and on and "woe is me" until I'm blue in the fingers, like the last couple weeks, but that's not how I feel these days. I'm glad I'm finally working on my fears and my childish tendencies. I'm glad I'm seeing the sunshine in the gray skies, as hard as that is to do. I feel like new things are on the horizon. Not necessarily better things, just new things. I'm going to be a better person in the long run. And that's the war I'm fighting. And I might just survive this one.

Music

Like I've said before, music is a funny thing. I've listened to it even more lately. Really listened. Music that I would never think to listen to, music that I would have shrugged off as being "stupid" or "not my style" I've listened to it. And there is one thing I've found. The words and the notes are someone's art. When we listen to songs, we are listening to someone's very essence. There is a reason they wrote it. So what if I think it sounds cliche or over-produced or too simple? Brand New, Nickelback, Kelly Clarkson, Blink-182, Nelly, all of those people have the same beautiful connection. Music is the pouring of your emotions into a burst of dramatic highs and heart pounding lows. Sure we all do it differently, but music is mankind's greatest gift to itself and the one emotional outlet we all share. It is gorgeous and heart-wrenching and it speaks to us on levels we didn't even know we had. I don't care for the band Shinedown at all, but I heard a song of theirs and I stopped, literally stopped what I was doing and listened to it. For a moment that song spoke to me in just the right way. I was happy they wrote it. I was overjoyed but sad that the person who wrote it went through what they went through. And God damn, that is an amazing feeling. I don't know their motives for when they wrote the song, could be for women, could be for money. But for me, they wrote that song to help anyone who'd listen.

Music is something we judge, enjoy, criticize and love everyday. But we all (including myself) take it for granted sometimes. The world would be a horribly quiet place without music. The world needs it. I'm going to love every note when I hear one. I'm going to think of every word they wrote and why they felt the way they felt when they did. Such is the beauty of music.

Hmmm

"Life is making running changes. You can't stop to fix things. You have to mend the sail while you're still at sea."

-John Mayer

Gah

I suppose I've been acting like a child. I've listened to everyone but myself. I've tried to cover my feelings by going overboard. Truth is, I just need to heal. And I need to do that the way I know how. By putting love in my heart, not regret. Hope, not fear. Understanding, not vengeance. A new light, not the same old darkness. I need to do these things.



Just live your life full of love.

Sometimes

I would work at it if it could happen. I would go back in a second. I've woken up and I'd share that. But you can't cling to hope. But I can cling to my passion for this. Even with a broken heart, she is beautiful and all I've ever said was just that.

Sunshine

What a gorgeous day...

Maybe this time

They always write the most amazing songs. Like they plucked the words out of my head.



"Waiting for a sign, I used to search with every step
And even as a boy, so many things I can't forget
So if I made a list of everyone I've kissed
What would that accomplish?

I've heard it said that I won't take a chance
But everything I've held slipped through my hands
Have I gone blind?

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time

And now I know myself a little more than I'd confess
And even as a man, all that I fear
Will get the best of me
So if I made a list of every chance I missed
What would that accomplish?
Now I've been making eyes at you all night
Trying to decide what's on your mind
What's on your mind?

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time

I saw the night turn into day
I saw the sun show his tired face
Shine into me, shine onto mine
Come see the trees' shadows lengthen and cry hello

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time..."

Sherwood-Maybe this time

This is a lesson in procrastination...

Damn it feels good to be productive. Little Christmas shopping, cleaned out the car, mailed car insurance payment, filled out paperwork for my stomach appointment, worked out. Six months ago I would have half assed it all and beat myself up later. It feels good :)

As the day begins

Lots to do today. But here I sit. Oh well. The one thing on my mind is that I can't wait to get myself better mentally. Recently I've had my eyes open to how badly I can be self-destructive. Self-destructive to my relationships and friends and family. I know I sound like a broken record. But back then I thought it was just being moody. But I now realize there's is something seriously wrong with how my thought process works. She loved me anyway. She saw it and I did nothing. Did nothing to fix it. Well I think that's why I'm so excited. There's a sadness that comes with that excitement but I can't wait to make things better for me. And hopefully for her. I hope she'll know that I finally did it. Like I said yesterday, I feel selfish for thinking I was so hurt. Even though she says she never thinks of me as being mean, that doesn't mean I never hurt her. I'm the same guy I was two years ago, but it's different. I get so manic/depressive sometimes. I blow up and get sad over nothing. That can't be fun to be with. I've lost that spark I think, I focused too much on everything and didn't just love and let it flow. I wish we could try, just like caring for a plant. I put her through some hell and I spent that time thinking I was the victim. But anyway, it's a sunny day and there's much to do.




"If a plant is not given the nutrients it needs to survive , it will die. But even a wilted plant can come back to life if given sunlight, water and healthy soil."

Oh snap...

I had a dream last night where I was in a super market, grabbing the last packs of candy off of a shelf. Almost frantically. I was waiting in line when I gave them all to Kate. She started talking with the check out clerk about something and I had to butt in, almost like I wanted to know more than him. Well we get done at the super market and we load up all of our cars with candy and we start driving off.

No clue what's goin' on haha.

I think I'm gonna start writing all my dreams down. Post them in here maybe. I'm definetly going to start posting the progress of my novel. My "novel". Hah. Like I've written them before. Hopefully this one will be the start. Well, we'll just see how it goes.


Time to get some sleep.


"Sleep now sleep
And so fade sorrow
Sleep beloved sleep"

-Donovan

I'm not the only one.

I realized something today. I've had a week to be sad. I've had a week to think the world was coming down around me. I feel selfish. Because I've put those feelings on someone as well. And it wasn't fair to them then and I'm not being fair to them now. I just need to be full of love and do the things I've said I will do. I need to move on. Bettering myself is a good thing.

The only question is how to move forward.

Every piece of advice says to do things my body and soul are not used to. I have no idea what's better for our future, either together or separate. I have no idea how to go about any of this. That, I think, is what's even harder. I've wanted to send her so many words about how I'm feeling, but I know that will only set me back. I've wanted to leave flowers and letters but it just can't happen. So I guess it feels like I'm doing nothing to help, but really, it's doing nothing that DOES help, but again, it's not in my hands to help anything. It feels wrong because I still feel the same way, but it's time for real life to set in. It's time for me to do what I feel like doing. So I'm gonna do it.



"Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last start left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and...
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way?"

Blink-182- Here's Your Letter

Oh how I've tried, to be just ok...

Pull it together big guy. You're not helping anything by going overboard. You just miss her. And that's cool. Just, take it easy. It's gonna get better, no matter what happens. You're luckier than most people. And don't be a fucking idiot :)

Love,
Yourself

And as the wind swept down the road...

Dear god the weather has been horrible these past few days. Last week it was beautiful and now it's just gray. Anyway. I had one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. It only lasted couple minutes but it was beautiful in a way. I walking on a road. There is a giant hill in front of me. The sun is either setting or rising; I couldn't tell. Either way everything is covered in a wash of purple and red and gold. I'm wearing jeans, shoes and a button up shirt. As I'm walking, it's like everyone I've ever known is on the side of the road. She's the last one I see. Well when I walk over this hill I see gorgeous buildings stretching miles into the sky, a brilliant light coming from the middle of this, what I guess is a city. That's when I notice the sky has never been bluer, it's breathtaking. Well as I walk I make no progress towards it all, I take a step, the city is a step further. All of a sudden a wind picks up and knocks me down and I see all the people on the side of the road fly towards this city. They all have sails in their hands and float effortlessly. Well I frantically search for mine and I have none. So I just walk. And it never gets closer.

I'm glad I had this dream. I'm glad I'm making changes, even though it's early to say that with any certainty. I'm glad she'll know I'm making them, she always wanted the best for me. I just wish she could be with me as I make them.

To quote my dream book...
"If you are in a wide open space with far off horizons, is this telling you something about how you feel in your waking life?"

Exactly.

Against all odds...

I need to make some changes. Drastic changes. Only changes to issues and problems, not who I am. I believe fixing these few problems will better myself in the end.

Stomach doctor appointment scheduled
Have the numbers for a therapist and a psychiatrist
Started working out at a gym in town

It feels good. At least it occupies my mind for a short time. I'd like to go back to school and actually try. I've realized over the past couple of days I must not like myself. And that's not a choice, I don't think of myself and think "What a douche bag" I can't really help it. I think that's why I try to fail at things. Push people away. Create situations in my relationships to hurt my significant other. Try too hard for them to like me. Well, hopefully that will be fixed soon. Medication is something I've put off for too long. You can't rely on it alone, but I'm sure it will help me repair my life. I'm excited for these changes. I just wish I would have made them sooner. I really do. Time to stop thinking like that. The mornings and moments right before I go to bed are the hardest. The rest of the day kind of moves in a blur. Kind of like a rainy fall day where you just don't feel like taking a step outside because the world doesn't look like it wants to be there either. It's all pretty hard but it's the mornings right when I wake up and the nights right before I fall asleep that are the hardest. I'm writing a book. That's the other thing. I've hardly touched the T.V. or my games these past couple of days. I'm really trying to read more and write this book. I think I'm crazy, but I've been told I'm a good writer in the past. Maybe it's time to take it to heart when they support me. Here's a little (cheesy) song idea,

"I have a girl, who thinks the world of me
But the world is just something that I couldn't be
I have cracks that I make worse on my own accord
But my girl, she'll just love me even more..."


Sweet dreams.

Too many lessons learned too late...

Very productive day so far. It feels good to get out and do things I should have done a while ago.

As I stand on the moutain cliff

It hurts a lot. Almost too much. But out of ashes things can still grow.

But as I'm waiting there
The devil on my shoulder stares
Laughing that the one thing I can't get
Is what I need

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine

My vocal chords have been fighting
My mouth likes to spite me
It never says the words that come to mind
I brought a stick to a gun fight
And I'm stuck with my tongue tied
I run but I can't hide what's always there is

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine

I wish I could just say the right words and do the right things all the time. I know there are people out there that can and do and it makes me nervous.

I wish I could just shut my brain off.

"Watch you from the one's to two's
From a window in a well lit room
Become a recluse and I blame myself
Cause I make things harder I'm just trying to help..."

A living door mat

Please someone tell me what to do...

Bloooooooah

I'll tell you a story if you'll listen
If you don't know where you're life should go
Raise your minds and your hearts will follow
It's written in the falling snow

Have you ever felt like a bird
That missed its flight down south?
Flying through the cold and biting winter
Trying to grasp what your life is all about

And in the trees, they listen
They have their time to bloom and grow
And I've been such a horrible example
Of how a person should learn to love their life

To be completely honest
I haven't got a god damn clue
To be there for anyone
Other than myself and it rips me apart at the seams