Work night from hell...

Target lady Brians post.

Choir reunion...more on that later.

Every night and every morning is like deja vu.


But I have so much to be happy about. I forget that sometimes.

Profound and dumbfounded

So Kate is running towards a church; well, it might have been a church, in short retrospect it makes sense, she's in a wedding dress. It's nighttime and as she runs, her friends help her keep her veil on and she has her shoes in her hands. I use my hand to block my eyes because I'm sure I'm not supposed to see her in her wedding dress. So I turn back towards the building and step inside. I pace around and I notice the inside of this building is completely empty. So I walk outside. I walk to the back of the building and there is a Japanese style, tiered garden. I see Kate surrounded by all of the brides maids, who I couldn't make out the faces, but I'm sure it was Julie, Kim, Jenny, Ashley, Lindsey and Colleen. The groomsmen are there too.

And as I see Kate, she is crying. Makeup is running down her cheeks, but she is smiling. And she's beautiful. I walk over to her and kiss her and whisper something in her ear to make her laugh, a second later words were suspended in mid-air, not really attached to anything, they kind of just flew through my mind "I had to say something to make you feel comfortable with kissing me in front of everyone". She understood and we kissed one more time. So everyone walks back inside and now we are all pacing in the hall. Something is said about an airplane taking us to somewhere warm. We all cheer. I'm with the groomsmen changing into casual clothes and joking and laughing. A women walks into the room and tells us it's time to leave.



And that was it. I'm still swimming in this dream even though its been several hours. I'm not myself today because of that dream, and I can't tel if it's in a disturbed or positive way. I think positive, but who knows. It'll be a few hours. So I'll have to write about it later because it's time for work.



"It's you. It's me
And there's dancing
It's you. It's me
And there's dancing

Not sure if you mind
If I dance with you
But I don't think right now
You care about anything at all..."

You! Me! Dancing!-Los Campesinos

A Heavy Heart

"Baby, I'm a mess
This is more than any one man can take

I tried this time
To be stronger, almost like a mountain
But it's never strong enough

'Cause all I've ever been
Is the anchor to the wind
Keeping me from the places I need to go...

All this time you've been trying
To break a diamond
Now all I have left
Is this concrete underneath my skin

And my body feels so heavy
I'm scared I can't move on without you
But that's just the price I pay
For never breaking down ever again

So maybe I went about this all wrong
I should have stayed up in the clouds
Instead of going back to solid ground

So baby, I'll see you in the morning
When I rise up with the sun
And I'm gone before you feel the warmth

I tried to be strong for you
I tried to move on from you
Now I'm left with this body made out of stone
And a heart to match the world

I've grown into
A constant reminder of the past
I keep trying to race back to..."

Addison Park-...Imagine a Puddle

Happy birthday Kate.

Godammit sometimes...

There is something great about tonight. It's so still. Even though I usually dislike this time of year, the snow tonight, it's not so bad. Sweet dreams.

So many years...

Wow, I haven't had a heart to heart with Glenn in a long time. It was kind of refrershing. He brought over two beers and we just...talked. It's kind of weird actually, that I even have to mention it, two best friends sitting over a drink talking about shit going on in their lives as a ground breaking occurrence, but you know, it's kind of rare these days. But anyway.

I've really liked playing soccer this past month. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, but I've been practicing in my back yard, watching you-tube videos on soccer tips for your 6-10 year old, and I think it's helping. We tied and I interrupted three shot attempts by the other team. That's right Beckham, better watch it, I'm coming up in the soccer world, not really. It made me realize something though, I really needed a lifestyle change. All of this drinking and shitty food has started to take it's toll. I found that out the hard way my first minute on the field. Like most of America, I joined a gym and actually tried to go a good amount, but wasn't very serious about it. Well, at least for myself, I'm acting a little different these days. For the past couple of weeks, I've slowly started to wake up earlier, get to the gym, have a decent breakfast, do my errands or cleaning or whatever, all by 11 o'clock. It feels amazing.

Addison Park is slowly and by slowly, I mean fucking sloooooooooooooowly gaining it's strength back. This new song being posted has kind of made us all realize we still have something. It's exciting. I've been writing like a whirlwind. I have so many pages of words I have no idea what to do with them. But it feels good.

I can't believe it's almost 2011. What an amazing few years it's been.

"I wanna have friends that I can trust
That love me for the man I’ve become not the man I was
I wanna have friends that will let me be
All alone when being alone is all that I need
I wanna fit in to the perfect space
Feel natural and safe in a volatile place"

The Avett Brothers-The Perfect Space

Adult entertainment

Porn itself has never been that exciting for me actually. I'm not going to say I've never watched and don't watch it every now and then, but I don't NEED to watch it all the damn time. Something about watching and not doing, is kinda boring. Wow, that makes me sound kind of like a douche but I mean that in a good way.

But anyway, so my roommate, with an excitement of a ten year old like it was Christmas morning, just told me Girls Gone Wild will be at a bar in Rockford. Ohhhhhh Lordy, my generation. It's interesting to think how this stuff is commonplace now when 50 years ago, most people wouldn't have dreamed of something like that. But there weren't DVDs and there wasn't the internet and computers in your home so I guess it's true, the times they are a changing. I can't bash them though, it's your life. If you want to buy them, "star" in them or whatever, you have every right to. It's just funny, whenever I see those commercials on, usually late at night, I actually have to turn them off. I'm just so, well I guess the closest word is embarrassed, for these girls. I'm a sexual being for sure, but I still respect women. And there is something about those GGW videos that just rubs me the wrong way....that's what she said. I'm not trying to stand on a moral soapbox here, it's just my opinion. I'm not saying anyone is sick or evil or wrong, it's just what I think. It's just porn. Anyway, enough on that subject because it's just odd to begin with.

I got the weirdest nights sleep last night. So many disturbing dreams. Not nightmares, just really sad images and an overall feeling of being bothered and uncomfortable. It was really strange. But there was some good ones thrown in there too so that helped. Either way, I still woke up at fucking 2:15. There goes my Saturday afternoon. Oh well.



"I'm learning to fly, but I aint got wings
And coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good ol' days may not return
The rocks might melt and the sea may burn..."

Tom Petty's the shit.

The Room

Tonight was definitely in my top five for hilarity and all around good times...until I think of better descriptors.

"For a second there I thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around

And I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast
I wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase..."

Coconut Records-West Coast

I am thankful for this past year. I've learned more than I could have ever imagined.

I think it's because of this time last year. God I was so lost and sad in the car ride home from the bar last night, it just hit me out of no-where, in the weirdest way. I've been doing so much better than last year, christ I was a wreck, but I guess these nights will still pop up from time to time.

Impossible

I wish I could still take you on a tropical getaway. I wish I could spend the holidays with you. I wish a lot of things. But you know...what I wish the most, is that you know I will love you always, I love you with every inch of me. I love your flaws and I love your everything. There comes a timein everyones life where they meet the person that changes their life for the better. And even with all that's happened and this sappy slew of words, it all might fade but it will never go away. But jesus it's 1 am, and you dont need to see any of this. Sweet dreams.


"You've been my queen for longer than you know
My love for you has been
Every step I take, everyday I live, everything I see..."
-One Eskimo, Kandi

Hurricane of the mind and soul

"Every minute you spend angry, you lose a minute of happiness" -Ralph Waldo Emerson

He was a smart dude.

I'm not angry, just hurt. I've always thought I handled and expressed my emotions well, but that hasn't been the case. At least not in the past few years. Last winter I was a lot of things. I don't have to repeat them, nor do I want to. But one thing I never was, was angry.

"What's there to go back to huh!? I grew a forest for this and it was cut down to the roots. There are no more trees. There's nothing. So what's there to go back to huh? A desert?"

"Everyday is Doomsday"

The new AP song...

"It's so hard to wake up
When your blankets feel like they're made out of stone
I try to put my feet on the floor
But my carpet's turning into an ocean

All my time is spent indoors
And my walls
They shout and scream in the nighttime
Oh god I just need a good nights sleep

Why can't I just wake up?
I need to break free from the chains I put here on my own
Why can't I just wake up?
And shake off the dust I've been tossing and turning all night

I gotta wake up
'Cause it does me no good
To lay in this bed
And wait for the sun to reach me

So I slowly start to open up the blinds
And reach for the light
Open up the blinds
I reach for the light
To let the sunshine in

But I still get trapped wondering
About her life and what it'll bring
Though it tears me apart
I can't stop thinking about
Where she goes
And where she's been
And who's been sleeping in her bed..."

Addison Park-Everyday is Doomsday

A little late at night I'm afraid

"It's that time of year
Where the grass stops growing
When the snow starts falling
When the days get shorter
And the whiskey starts flowing

And my bed gets smaller
And I'd like you to be here
Because it's starting to look like last year..."

Love as a second language

Dudes, it's not that hard. You gotta treat your girl right. I'm not saying, and obviously I'm not, the most successful in this department, but jesus, it's not that hard. I'm definitely going to elaborate on this when it isn't three in the morning.


And now it's three in the morning...again. So all I can say is that, sometimes, and this is gonna sound weird, but you have to put aside your pride and your wants and commit yourself to what your partner wants. Again, this sounds kind of odd...fuck it it's too late again.

What can I compare you to, when everything looks like you?
I get a bit confused every spring
Flowers that bloom your eyes, hummingbirds side by side
My heart won't stay entirely in this rib caging...

Wow, after reading my blog I kept six years ago, I wish I could go back in time and kick myself in my own ass.

"Maybe this is one more storm to brave. And maybe we'll make it out, maybe we won't. But for you, it's always worth it. Being with you will always be worth any price or any pain or any thing."

More dreams.

Hmmmm I'm still wide awake. My sleep schedule has been a little off these past few weeks. I need to lay of the Whiskey.

I still wake up on only one side of the bed. As if you were next to me the whole night. I wake up in a position that I imagine would be the same as if you were next to me the whole night.

The new Sara Bareilles is blowing my mind.

"I don't say much, and it will stay that way. You've got a steel train touch and I'm just the track you lay. So I'll stay right here, underneath you."

I understand. At least I think I do. And in the end, I'm sure it will all make sense. I'm just so heart-broken...I can't stand it.

Some dreams makes sense if you really think about them. Last nights was an eye opener.


All I can remember of it, is that I'm standing outside of an apartment complex begging and pleading to a women to let me upstairs. I end up across the street outside another building and I get the bright idea to swim underneath the building I was trying to get into from the pool inside this other building. And I do. And it's Kates' new apartment. I spend hours trying to get her things, make her food, make her drinks, doing everything and anything in her apartment. I'm cleaning, I'm setting up furniture. But I'm not spending time with Kate. And she ends up shaking her head at me. And then I wake up.

I miss you already...

If we go down, we go down together, best friends means...

I am so fucking sick of this. I get so upset over the littlest things and for what? Someone who could care less. Someone who that, even if I did express my frustration, would pass it off and blame me anyway. So I'm done. I'm done over-thinking this. Done trying to be a best friend to someone who let's me phase in and out of their life whenever it's convenient for them. It's always about you and your life. I've fallen in, out, and back into love and you have no idea what that means to me because you never give a shit. The stress about my future, my job, none of it matters to you at all because it's not YOUR job or YOUR future or YOUR stress.

And yes, maybe I'm to blame too. There was a time before when we had a falling out and I made some bad choices and I'd give anything to take them back. I know sometimes I disappear for no good reason but at least I always return with the same belief that our friendship is strong and that you've got my back. It's so sad that that has changed and that I can't rely on my best friend for anything consistent these days. I just want it to be like when we were younger and so excited about the world and what it had to bring. And now you can't see any beauty, any passion, life is all one sarcastic joke to you. Evereything is never cool enough, or ironic enough. Well we make our own lives, we fill it with what we want to see. And I want to see the sun and the good in everyone and that all things can work out if we want them too. And maybe this online proclamation of my anger and sadness is childish and cold, but to be honest, I could care less.

I'm far to scared to grow my wings

I'm so bad at goodbyes.

I just left Kate's house and it's hard for me to put into words what I feel when I say goodbye to her. So I'll try to explain by giving a little example of what happens in another aspect of my life.

I consider myself someone is good at all of the middle parts in life. What I mean by that, to start, and this will all make sense, is that it takes me a long time to learn things sometimes. I get frustrated, lose hope, give up. I'm a man who's grown up needing to do everything on his own, so when I have people helping me or teaching me, I get this rush of anxiety that I won't live up to the expectations or that I'm not cut out for it etc. So when I actually get to the point where I'm on my own and I have the skills to do the job, I soar. Yes, I still have my pitfalls, as do all people, but for the most part I'm comfortable, confident and I do good things. But the same feelings that are present in the beginning come back when something ends. Be it a job or a relationship or a band, whatever it is, I always wonder if I did my best, what led to the end, was it me? Was it something I did or didn't do? And it sucks. That's why I don't do well with death, or relationships ending, or even the parting of people from my social life. So I want to focus specifically on how this applies to the way I handle love.

I think, (although it's been said this is false) that I am absolutely horrible at initiating the spark of a relationship with a woman. I get nervous, my voice cracks, I wonder if I'm going too fast or too slow, I wonder if I'm being charming or weird, if I'm dressed up nice enough or too much; it's ridiculous the amount of crazy shit that goes through my head when I'm first talking to a girl I'm attracted too. That being said, when it actually plays out and the first few months have passed, I start to calm down. I start to be comfortable that I actually deserve this and this other person does really want to be with me. I'm almost obsessed with love and I think it's the greatest feeling in the world to make someone elses life better if you can. That's why I love being a part of a relationship. I want them to feel amazing and I want to be a factor in that. I want to give them so much because that's what they deserve. Anyway, this is turning out to be way too long, but that's a good base. I don't think I need to go into detail about how I feel when a relationship ends, I think I made even myself sick on that subject.


So that brings me back to Kate...

The flood of words above and the situation it presents can be applied to every time I see Kate, only not as grandiose. When I talk to her on the phone, my fingers slip when I try to answer, I talk louder to disguise my shaky voice. I stutter. I lose my train of thought. When I see her, my body has to take a step back. I get a little nervous. I can't believe this is the girl I get to be with. So when all that passes, I feel comfortable, and the rest of the time is amazing. But then I have to say goodbye. And now I'm finally getting to the point. It's late. I'm a couple beers in. Sue me.

The truth is, I don't want it to end. Anytime I spend with Kate, it just sucks I have to leave, or when I talk to her, I hate having to hang up the phone. But if it has to end, I want to make sure it ends with her knowing how amazing she is. How beautiful I think she is and how every moment I've spent with her make me feel invincible. And that's why I'm so bad at goodbyes. Because she'll never now all of that because it's not possible to put it into words...

She makes everything seem ok. No matter what's happening right now or how worried I can be about what's going to happen, she's there to lay those feelings to rest...

The never ending battle of my dreams and my reality...

It feels these days as if I'm at the same point I've been before a thousand times. My dreams and my emotions hold dominance over my common sense. I feel I should do the things that make sense to do, but I find my head and heart want more. I just don't know how to get there sometimes. It's like knowing you should use a lamp when it's 2 O'clock in the morning, but feeling like you could cause the sun to rise a little earlier, but I guess I'll write more later.

And "Inception" was incredible

And you make me smile so much it's crazy...

When dreams wake me up...

Baby, why can't we sleep?
At least with all this aching in my bones
I can't take the cold side of this bed

The water is still in my head
And the sun is still in my eyes
And it's crashing into my dreams

And I know we're scared
And no one really knows
But let's just hold on
And see where this goes

Paths won't clear
If you don't walk them

Fuck what other people say. At the end of it all, it's what's inside your head and your heart that matters.

Storms

So maybe I've already been here before. Maybe I've said these words before, always too soon and never with the right meaning I have in my mind, where they started from. Even now as I ramble about some words that I have perfectly constructed into a picture in my head, it comes out as a mess. Maybe it's because I'm just so excited to share what I've thought about. Maybe I try too hard without keeping my feet on the ground. Maybe I should think of things differently sometimes. Because maybe real life isn't like the world I day-dream in sometimes. Maybe other people have tried what we are trying and failed. Maybe they didn't believe in it strongly enough. Maybe they did, and it just didn't work. Sometimes it happens. And maybe I'm always a little too serious. Well, I know I'm too serious sometimes. So let me be serious one last time, at least for a while. Maybe this is all crazy. But maybe we can be happy. Maybe this is what it takes sometimes. Maybe this is what they write stories about, movies about. Maybe this is the story grandparents tell to their grandkids about how this all used to be. I hope so. Maybe this is one more storm to brave. And maybe we'll make it out, maybe we won't. But for you, it's always worth it. Being with you will always be worth any price or any pain or any thing. Alright, enough of that.

I have to float back down to the earth once in awhile, I get too caught up looking at how beautiful the sky is. But I think sometimes, it's nice to look at life that way, like nothing bad is going to happen because from where you're standing, everything in life is just gorgeous. We all need a little light like that sometimes. So I promise to keep my feet on the ground while I look at the sky if you promise to spend a little time with me in the clouds...

I've thought about this for so long...

All I wanted was you. That was all I could think about, dream about, talk about. And now, its happening. To me, it's like the last 5 months were pointless. All of the worry, all of the obsessing, gone, within a week. It's a surreal feeling. I'm just trying to catch up on all of the things I've missed. It's like a mountain for me. There are so many thoughts still lingering, so many of them about the future, but so many of them about you. All I wanted was to be with you and now that it's happening, I just have to pinch myself every second.

Stop

I hate and love how pathetic and happy I've been these past two months.

Damn the night-time

She dreams about me, but I dream about her.

All I wanted was you...

These past three weeks have just been...amazing, to say the least. It's good to know, my old self is still around. I can be happy. I can be myself. It's a great feeling. But more on that later.

Yes ma'am

I met a girl, I met a girl, I met a girl hey hey hey

Please...

Wow

So it's my 21st birthday in my dream last night, and I'm in a room with everyone from both Friday's (where I work currently) and CPK (where I worked at the time of my 21st). So we're in this huge banquet hall with these open windows that are about two stories high. The sun is out, but it's really dark in the room. So the DJ is playing something, like a soundtrack for a little kids' birthday. So we all decide it's lame and gather our shit and start walking out. Well the DJ says, well, more-so screams "You leave now, the day was for nothing and the nights will kill you!" Weird. So anyway, that was done.

So now I'm in this really weird house. The basement was not very wide but incredibly long (that's what she said). And there are all of these women directing all of these men in building something, it was never really clear. Then all of a sudden, everyone is ordering me to have sex with this chick, had no idea who she was. But in the dream I just ran, bolted out the door, which makes sense, because...

The next part of my dream, I'm in the southwestern part of the united states, there's red rocks, cacti, sand, the works. So I'm sitting in this really small bar, kind of a hole in the wall and I see Kate sitting at the other end of the bar. I don't think she sees me and I think "Would it even matter?" to myself. So this man comes up to me and pulls me into an alley and hands me this huge bomb and says I need to set it up against this wall and push a button (on said wall). He says it has to be done and there's nothing I can do, everyone in this little town or whatever will die. So I run into the bar and run up to Kate and she starts crying and we kiss. She says she heard about everything. So I'm out in the alley with a bunch of people from the town and Kate about to push the button, when the same dude who gave me my "mission" comes out of no where and knocks us all unconscious. Kate wakes up in my arms in a helicopter as we are flying away, we look back and see a huge explosion.


The End.


It was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my entire life. It felt like it lasted the entire time I was asleep.

Last night was a fucking blast. I haven't had that much fun a a little while. That's probably why my dreams were a little fucked up.

Let me be cliche for a moment. Life will not always be easy. This we know. There will be times in the dark when you need some light. Times in the cold when you need some warmth. Times by yourself when you need some comfort. Times when your head is about to cave in when all you need is to be free of what life is giving you. But without all of that, who are we really? If life teaches you anything, it's that the back-breaking moments, the moments that are horrible, or even slightly annoying, always pass. Big or small, they always pass. Life is a glorious thing. And when we work for what we believe in, it will always reveal itself. Call it fate, call it the universe's plan, call it whatever you want, but it happens. So the next time even the smallest thing makes you unhappy, makes you feel agitated, makes the happiness leave for even a moment, know that you will do wonderful things in the life you live. It doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter if you think there is something about you that will hold you back, it doesn't matter if you don't do things like other people. It doesn't matter. Fill this life you live with beauty, with passion. Do this, and everything will be okay, even if it seems that's the farthest thing from you right now. If you can learn anything, learn this.

Your move destiny

Well, today I did something that may be stupid, may be unnecessary, probably agitating and maybe even more so hurtful. But it's the only thing that made sense to do. I've been really good about leaving her life alone. Three years ago I would have been so desperate, I would have pushed her away so fast. But every time since she ended things, it's been her that's contacted me. Mostly it was about getting my stuff from her place, I get that. And it was my own wishful thinking that got in the way of the true meaning of all those calls and messages. Nothing. It was nothing. Anytime she's contacted me, it was just to get something she needed and then she was gone. Leaving me with a sense of "This could have been..." Well now I get some power. I get some say. I'd never know if I didn't send it. Or maybe I would have. Maybe I didn't need to send anything, it would have worked out on its own. Well, tha's the gamble I take. I think I've earned it.

I never got a chance to say anything on the matter of our relationship ending for good. How could I? So I'm not looking back on what I sent. It needed to be sent. It was consuming every waking moment of my days. I've never felt more free.

Even though sometimes its nice, sometimes it makes feel like you're here, I'm glad I didn't dream about you last night.

True life like you don't see

Pick a movie. Pick a T.V. show. Pick a book. Well, a boomk isn;t that good of an example, but anyway. When you watch a movie or a T.V. show about heartbreak, or any type of break, be it the loss of a loved one, the toughness of dealing with life on the streets, what-the-fuck-ever it's about, they don't show the inbetween. Let'stake heartbreak because god knows.

They'll show the good.
Then they'l show the graduall downfall.
Then they'll show the breakup.
Then they'll show the breaker being sad but moving on.
Then they'll show the breakee being an absolute wreck.
But only right after.
The frst week maybe.
Life starts to unfold.
They go through the motions.
Then the director shows the most dramatic moments.
Seeing the love interest move on with someone else, the breakee goes crazy.
The breakee talking desperatley with their friends.
Drnking a lot.
Whatever it ma be.
But then the optimism shows up
The breakee hears something important, changes their life.
The breakee meets someone else.

Wellwhat about all of the things inbetween?

I got a notion to say what doesn't feel right

Recently, well, more so a couple months ago, I beat the shit out of myself over this whole thing. I would constantly tell myself I didn't do enough, that she didn't deserve to have a fuck up like me ruin her life. That all I did was bring her down and no wonder she needed someone else. No wonder she left me. I am completely done with that horse-shit thought process.


This may sound like a mean-spirited post, it's not, it's more of a cut-down to my recent way of thinking, if anything. She was and still is incredible, let me say that right now. So I'm prefacing this by saying I know I had a lot of problems. My life was kind of in a rut. It must have been hard for her to baby-sit a man who played video games and just went to work while her new life was unfolding. I get that. It kinda sucks but I get it. Another problem was not communicating my feelings, that was one of the biggest. She'd leave me the sweetest notes, tell everyone how amazing I was and I would just hide. I wouldn't tell her how much it meant to me. I kept so many of my feelings inside because no one gave a shit before I met her. I was scared to tell her how I felt because I feared one day she'd leave me. I was scared to argue because of the same reason. I was so childish about our whole relationship, I just got caught up in everything. I can't tell you how many times these days, every day, I go through our relationship and think about every time I could have said something, or could have wrote something, when I didn't. It kills me. She loved me and I loved her, the only difference is she told me constantly.


But sometimes love isn't said in words, its said in actions.


It's being there day and night. It's knowing they look more beautiful when they wake up than at any other time. It's always understanding where they are coming from. It's knowing them for so long and so well, you don't have to think about why a story they tell would make them happy or upset, you just know. It's knowing what little things would make them smile. It's picking them up when they can't drive. It's touching them and without words, letting them know how beautiful you think they are. It's never judging them. It's loving them for exactly who they are, not loving they're future. It's loving them, even if it meant living in a cardboard box the rest of your lives. It's listening when you're days are boring and theirs are full of stories about how their life is unfolding; and loving them even more. It's accepting when you're wrong. It's going out of your way and doing anything to see them. It's forgiving them even when they make you upset. It's staying in because all you need is their company. It's knowing that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter what happens, you have each other and before you fall asleep, you let them know.


So fuck me for ever doubting I didn't show her I loved her...

And I'm just trying to do things right

Every word, every message, every thought you send my way, puts me right back to the beginning. You have all the power in this. You can keep me close and as far as you want at all times. Live your life, but tell me the thoughts you think. Move on, but still look back at me. All the while I only look to you. What should I do? What are the right words?

And the answer is, nothing. Nothing I can say or do will ever change the fact that you don't want this anymore. And every time I make peace with that, your words come exploding into my head. And I pick them apart until I'm sick. Until I'm sick and I love it all at the same time. Because I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. But every time, it's not. It's just you being the wonderful, caring person you are.

What do I do?

When I'm still so in love...

What a mess...

I just need this fucking week to be over.

According to you

...sigh

It was the love I found

What could I do? I was just so blind. And I let it take over. And I let it slip away. And she doesn't kiss like you do.

A fading memory

This all starts with a tiny little spark
That turned into a flame and consumed my world
And before I got a chance to enjoy the warmth
I brought the cold winds down all around me



Just remember how you feel right now.

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"

I love today

I made a decision and no matter the outcome, I will be happy.

Writing for the sake of impressing

I'm done writing words that I think other people need to see. From now on, my words are my own. If they see them, great, they'll always be from the heart. But it's time to make my honesty come full circle.

Moving through the motions...

I read an article today that really made me think. Usually when I read stories like this, I absorb what I can and move on. Well this one was a little different and I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe it has to do with what has happened in the past couple weeks. Anyway. The story is about a musician Joshua Bell. He is the greatest violinist in the world right now. As part of a little social experiment, he dressed in ragged clothes and played in the subway in Washington D.C. with an incredibly expensive violin playing some of the most gorgeous music ever written. It was estimated that over 2,000 passed him in an hour. Out of those 2,000 people, only about nine actually stopped, including a small boy (who was hurried along by his mother) and only one person recognized him. When he stopped, there was no applause, people just walked, so obsessed with whatever they had to do.

It just hit me when I read that. So many people passed this man just because he was dressed like he was homeless. "Forget the beautiful music he's playing, he's just a derelict." I bet that was a common thought in those peoples' heads. We are so quick to judge. So quick to let the archetypes that we've drilled into our brains take over.

We move at a pace so fast these days. It's so fast we've forgotten what it means to really love the things that make life beautiful. We've stopped...stopping to enjoy everything this wonderful life we live has to offer. We get so comfortable we everything. We stop looking for new things, new ways to love, to learn, to grow. And I definitely have that issue.

I stopped showing her beautiful things. As much as I loved her, I got too comfortable. I know I've rambled about this before, so I wont do it again. I heard from her a week or so and it just brought back the flood. How amazing everything she did for me. How I wish I could run to her apartment and pour out all of the light she's given me, so she could see what I see when I looked at her, when I was with her. Bah. Here I go again.

The point of this post was, to just live life. Don't be so concerned with everything that you have to do. Don't be so obsessed with the future that it ruins the present. Live...and life will come to you. Don't just move through the motions, move with them, make the motions change the way you love your life.

This path I've walked

I have no idea what to do or where my life is going and I've never been more happy.


Happy 100th blog post.

Hope

It's a dangerous thing. When you want something, any shred of hope can make you soar, because you're ready to give it everything. It's sad I have to calm those feelings down.

Everyone says and does things with their own intentions. You know what you feel and what you want your actions to present. But a simple word or touch or look can mean a thousand different things to someone. If they have an idea or hope of what they want that word or touch or look to be, they'll feel it. And they'll make it what they want.

I need to just accept certain things. Every time I do, I feel a sliver of hope and it distorts my words. It hinders my actions. A simple letter on their part and I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. And what do I do? I start to over-think. The words I write back are cautious but optimistic and I craft them to try and say what I've been feeling these past months. But it was just a letter, a simple message. So my words just set me back. Because I let that hope take over. I'm not saying I'm giving up on hope, without hope we are nothing. I'm just saying, I need to take things as they are.


If it's going to happen again, it's going to happen. I want life to be like the movies. I want to climb up a balcony and pour everything onto the streets and it will work. Well, unfortunately, I don't get that right, and I've come to peace with that. I've come to peace with the fact that if it's not me that's going to make her happy, well fuck, she deserves the person that will. So let it go.

"But then" I think to myself, "what if she's just waiting for you to try, and you're messing it up by letting it go..."

Well, what if I say these things and it turns out I just look like a desperate lunatic? You'll just never know. And that's the million dollar question isn't it? What to do. What to do.


So I'm living my life full of love these days. I'm cutting out the sadness of what doesn't matter. I'm bettering myself because that's what she wanted. I'm going to send her all of the positive feelings I can and wish her nothing but happiness because it's what she deserves and it's what I always wanted. And I think that's pretty good for my end. I'd like to think if I do that, life will present itself. It's all I can hope for.



"And if it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out..."

If you want more love

Words just pour out of my mouth but I never get the time to sort them out.

Semi-charmed kinda life

Don't let the small moments get you down, learn from them. Focus on the bigger things, but don't let them cloud your humility. Life is made up of small moments and wall-smashing revelations but if you don't learn to balance the two, you'll drive yourself crazy. Grand things are coming if I let them. But I can't forget the day to day things that will bring them here.



"I believe in the sand beneath my toes..."

Break even

A guy who comes into my bar every so often asked me last night
"So you still with that girl I saw you in here with once?"
I said "Nah man, unfortunately"
He asked "What happened ?"
I said "It just wasn't working I guess"
He said "Damn man..."
I laughed "It's hard as hell you know?"
He asked "How you doin' with that?"
I said "I just want her to be happy, if I can't be the one to do that, then well, that's how it is"

He asked "You really feel that way or is that just how you're supposed to feel?"

And I said with every ounce of certainty

"I really do"

Inspiration these days is flooding me

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she has no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up that you're okay?

They said bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she's moved while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"



The Script-Break even


A little over-the-top for me these days but this song makes me want to be a better writer. This song is just gorgeous.