Maybe this time

They always write the most amazing songs. Like they plucked the words out of my head.



"Waiting for a sign, I used to search with every step
And even as a boy, so many things I can't forget
So if I made a list of everyone I've kissed
What would that accomplish?

I've heard it said that I won't take a chance
But everything I've held slipped through my hands
Have I gone blind?

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time

And now I know myself a little more than I'd confess
And even as a man, all that I fear
Will get the best of me
So if I made a list of every chance I missed
What would that accomplish?
Now I've been making eyes at you all night
Trying to decide what's on your mind
What's on your mind?

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time

I saw the night turn into day
I saw the sun show his tired face
Shine into me, shine onto mine
Come see the trees' shadows lengthen and cry hello

Maybe this time, maybe this time
You'll give it a try
Maybe this time, maybe this time..."

Sherwood-Maybe this time

This is a lesson in procrastination...

Damn it feels good to be productive. Little Christmas shopping, cleaned out the car, mailed car insurance payment, filled out paperwork for my stomach appointment, worked out. Six months ago I would have half assed it all and beat myself up later. It feels good :)

As the day begins

Lots to do today. But here I sit. Oh well. The one thing on my mind is that I can't wait to get myself better mentally. Recently I've had my eyes open to how badly I can be self-destructive. Self-destructive to my relationships and friends and family. I know I sound like a broken record. But back then I thought it was just being moody. But I now realize there's is something seriously wrong with how my thought process works. She loved me anyway. She saw it and I did nothing. Did nothing to fix it. Well I think that's why I'm so excited. There's a sadness that comes with that excitement but I can't wait to make things better for me. And hopefully for her. I hope she'll know that I finally did it. Like I said yesterday, I feel selfish for thinking I was so hurt. Even though she says she never thinks of me as being mean, that doesn't mean I never hurt her. I'm the same guy I was two years ago, but it's different. I get so manic/depressive sometimes. I blow up and get sad over nothing. That can't be fun to be with. I've lost that spark I think, I focused too much on everything and didn't just love and let it flow. I wish we could try, just like caring for a plant. I put her through some hell and I spent that time thinking I was the victim. But anyway, it's a sunny day and there's much to do.




"If a plant is not given the nutrients it needs to survive , it will die. But even a wilted plant can come back to life if given sunlight, water and healthy soil."

Oh snap...

I had a dream last night where I was in a super market, grabbing the last packs of candy off of a shelf. Almost frantically. I was waiting in line when I gave them all to Kate. She started talking with the check out clerk about something and I had to butt in, almost like I wanted to know more than him. Well we get done at the super market and we load up all of our cars with candy and we start driving off.

No clue what's goin' on haha.

I think I'm gonna start writing all my dreams down. Post them in here maybe. I'm definetly going to start posting the progress of my novel. My "novel". Hah. Like I've written them before. Hopefully this one will be the start. Well, we'll just see how it goes.


Time to get some sleep.


"Sleep now sleep
And so fade sorrow
Sleep beloved sleep"

-Donovan

I'm not the only one.

I realized something today. I've had a week to be sad. I've had a week to think the world was coming down around me. I feel selfish. Because I've put those feelings on someone as well. And it wasn't fair to them then and I'm not being fair to them now. I just need to be full of love and do the things I've said I will do. I need to move on. Bettering myself is a good thing.

The only question is how to move forward.

Every piece of advice says to do things my body and soul are not used to. I have no idea what's better for our future, either together or separate. I have no idea how to go about any of this. That, I think, is what's even harder. I've wanted to send her so many words about how I'm feeling, but I know that will only set me back. I've wanted to leave flowers and letters but it just can't happen. So I guess it feels like I'm doing nothing to help, but really, it's doing nothing that DOES help, but again, it's not in my hands to help anything. It feels wrong because I still feel the same way, but it's time for real life to set in. It's time for me to do what I feel like doing. So I'm gonna do it.



"Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last start left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and...
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way?"

Blink-182- Here's Your Letter

Oh how I've tried, to be just ok...

Pull it together big guy. You're not helping anything by going overboard. You just miss her. And that's cool. Just, take it easy. It's gonna get better, no matter what happens. You're luckier than most people. And don't be a fucking idiot :)

Love,
Yourself

And as the wind swept down the road...

Dear god the weather has been horrible these past few days. Last week it was beautiful and now it's just gray. Anyway. I had one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. It only lasted couple minutes but it was beautiful in a way. I walking on a road. There is a giant hill in front of me. The sun is either setting or rising; I couldn't tell. Either way everything is covered in a wash of purple and red and gold. I'm wearing jeans, shoes and a button up shirt. As I'm walking, it's like everyone I've ever known is on the side of the road. She's the last one I see. Well when I walk over this hill I see gorgeous buildings stretching miles into the sky, a brilliant light coming from the middle of this, what I guess is a city. That's when I notice the sky has never been bluer, it's breathtaking. Well as I walk I make no progress towards it all, I take a step, the city is a step further. All of a sudden a wind picks up and knocks me down and I see all the people on the side of the road fly towards this city. They all have sails in their hands and float effortlessly. Well I frantically search for mine and I have none. So I just walk. And it never gets closer.

I'm glad I had this dream. I'm glad I'm making changes, even though it's early to say that with any certainty. I'm glad she'll know I'm making them, she always wanted the best for me. I just wish she could be with me as I make them.

To quote my dream book...
"If you are in a wide open space with far off horizons, is this telling you something about how you feel in your waking life?"

Exactly.

Against all odds...

I need to make some changes. Drastic changes. Only changes to issues and problems, not who I am. I believe fixing these few problems will better myself in the end.

Stomach doctor appointment scheduled
Have the numbers for a therapist and a psychiatrist
Started working out at a gym in town

It feels good. At least it occupies my mind for a short time. I'd like to go back to school and actually try. I've realized over the past couple of days I must not like myself. And that's not a choice, I don't think of myself and think "What a douche bag" I can't really help it. I think that's why I try to fail at things. Push people away. Create situations in my relationships to hurt my significant other. Try too hard for them to like me. Well, hopefully that will be fixed soon. Medication is something I've put off for too long. You can't rely on it alone, but I'm sure it will help me repair my life. I'm excited for these changes. I just wish I would have made them sooner. I really do. Time to stop thinking like that. The mornings and moments right before I go to bed are the hardest. The rest of the day kind of moves in a blur. Kind of like a rainy fall day where you just don't feel like taking a step outside because the world doesn't look like it wants to be there either. It's all pretty hard but it's the mornings right when I wake up and the nights right before I fall asleep that are the hardest. I'm writing a book. That's the other thing. I've hardly touched the T.V. or my games these past couple of days. I'm really trying to read more and write this book. I think I'm crazy, but I've been told I'm a good writer in the past. Maybe it's time to take it to heart when they support me. Here's a little (cheesy) song idea,

"I have a girl, who thinks the world of me
But the world is just something that I couldn't be
I have cracks that I make worse on my own accord
But my girl, she'll just love me even more..."


Sweet dreams.

Too many lessons learned too late...

Very productive day so far. It feels good to get out and do things I should have done a while ago.

As I stand on the moutain cliff

It hurts a lot. Almost too much. But out of ashes things can still grow.

But as I'm waiting there
The devil on my shoulder stares
Laughing that the one thing I can't get
Is what I need

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine

My vocal chords have been fighting
My mouth likes to spite me
It never says the words that come to mind
I brought a stick to a gun fight
And I'm stuck with my tongue tied
I run but I can't hide what's always there is

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine