I read an article today that really made me think. Usually when I read stories like this, I absorb what I can and move on. Well this one was a little different and I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe it has to do with what has happened in the past couple weeks. Anyway. The story is about a musician Joshua Bell. He is the greatest violinist in the world right now. As part of a little social experiment, he dressed in ragged clothes and played in the subway in Washington D.C. with an incredibly expensive violin playing some of the most gorgeous music ever written. It was estimated that over 2,000 passed him in an hour. Out of those 2,000 people, only about nine actually stopped, including a small boy (who was hurried along by his mother) and only one person recognized him. When he stopped, there was no applause, people just walked, so obsessed with whatever they had to do.
It just hit me when I read that. So many people passed this man just because he was dressed like he was homeless. "Forget the beautiful music he's playing, he's just a derelict." I bet that was a common thought in those peoples' heads. We are so quick to judge. So quick to let the archetypes that we've drilled into our brains take over.
We move at a pace so fast these days. It's so fast we've forgotten what it means to really love the things that make life beautiful. We've stopped...stopping to enjoy everything this wonderful life we live has to offer. We get so comfortable we everything. We stop looking for new things, new ways to love, to learn, to grow. And I definitely have that issue.
I stopped showing her beautiful things. As much as I loved her, I got too comfortable. I know I've rambled about this before, so I wont do it again. I heard from her a week or so and it just brought back the flood. How amazing everything she did for me. How I wish I could run to her apartment and pour out all of the light she's given me, so she could see what I see when I looked at her, when I was with her. Bah. Here I go again.
The point of this post was, to just live life. Don't be so concerned with everything that you have to do. Don't be so obsessed with the future that it ruins the present. Live...and life will come to you. Don't just move through the motions, move with them, make the motions change the way you love your life.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
This path I've walked
I have no idea what to do or where my life is going and I've never been more happy.
Happy 100th blog post.
Happy 100th blog post.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Hope
It's a dangerous thing. When you want something, any shred of hope can make you soar, because you're ready to give it everything. It's sad I have to calm those feelings down.
Everyone says and does things with their own intentions. You know what you feel and what you want your actions to present. But a simple word or touch or look can mean a thousand different things to someone. If they have an idea or hope of what they want that word or touch or look to be, they'll feel it. And they'll make it what they want.
I need to just accept certain things. Every time I do, I feel a sliver of hope and it distorts my words. It hinders my actions. A simple letter on their part and I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. And what do I do? I start to over-think. The words I write back are cautious but optimistic and I craft them to try and say what I've been feeling these past months. But it was just a letter, a simple message. So my words just set me back. Because I let that hope take over. I'm not saying I'm giving up on hope, without hope we are nothing. I'm just saying, I need to take things as they are.
If it's going to happen again, it's going to happen. I want life to be like the movies. I want to climb up a balcony and pour everything onto the streets and it will work. Well, unfortunately, I don't get that right, and I've come to peace with that. I've come to peace with the fact that if it's not me that's going to make her happy, well fuck, she deserves the person that will. So let it go.
"But then" I think to myself, "what if she's just waiting for you to try, and you're messing it up by letting it go..."
Well, what if I say these things and it turns out I just look like a desperate lunatic? You'll just never know. And that's the million dollar question isn't it? What to do. What to do.
So I'm living my life full of love these days. I'm cutting out the sadness of what doesn't matter. I'm bettering myself because that's what she wanted. I'm going to send her all of the positive feelings I can and wish her nothing but happiness because it's what she deserves and it's what I always wanted. And I think that's pretty good for my end. I'd like to think if I do that, life will present itself. It's all I can hope for.
"And if it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out..."
Everyone says and does things with their own intentions. You know what you feel and what you want your actions to present. But a simple word or touch or look can mean a thousand different things to someone. If they have an idea or hope of what they want that word or touch or look to be, they'll feel it. And they'll make it what they want.
I need to just accept certain things. Every time I do, I feel a sliver of hope and it distorts my words. It hinders my actions. A simple letter on their part and I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. And what do I do? I start to over-think. The words I write back are cautious but optimistic and I craft them to try and say what I've been feeling these past months. But it was just a letter, a simple message. So my words just set me back. Because I let that hope take over. I'm not saying I'm giving up on hope, without hope we are nothing. I'm just saying, I need to take things as they are.
If it's going to happen again, it's going to happen. I want life to be like the movies. I want to climb up a balcony and pour everything onto the streets and it will work. Well, unfortunately, I don't get that right, and I've come to peace with that. I've come to peace with the fact that if it's not me that's going to make her happy, well fuck, she deserves the person that will. So let it go.
"But then" I think to myself, "what if she's just waiting for you to try, and you're messing it up by letting it go..."
Well, what if I say these things and it turns out I just look like a desperate lunatic? You'll just never know. And that's the million dollar question isn't it? What to do. What to do.
So I'm living my life full of love these days. I'm cutting out the sadness of what doesn't matter. I'm bettering myself because that's what she wanted. I'm going to send her all of the positive feelings I can and wish her nothing but happiness because it's what she deserves and it's what I always wanted. And I think that's pretty good for my end. I'd like to think if I do that, life will present itself. It's all I can hope for.
"And if it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out..."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Semi-charmed kinda life
Don't let the small moments get you down, learn from them. Focus on the bigger things, but don't let them cloud your humility. Life is made up of small moments and wall-smashing revelations but if you don't learn to balance the two, you'll drive yourself crazy. Grand things are coming if I let them. But I can't forget the day to day things that will bring them here.
"I believe in the sand beneath my toes..."
"I believe in the sand beneath my toes..."
Friday, January 15, 2010
Break even
A guy who comes into my bar every so often asked me last night
"So you still with that girl I saw you in here with once?"
I said "Nah man, unfortunately"
He asked "What happened ?"
I said "It just wasn't working I guess"
He said "Damn man..."
I laughed "It's hard as hell you know?"
He asked "How you doin' with that?"
I said "I just want her to be happy, if I can't be the one to do that, then well, that's how it is"
He asked "You really feel that way or is that just how you're supposed to feel?"
And I said with every ounce of certainty
"I really do"
"So you still with that girl I saw you in here with once?"
I said "Nah man, unfortunately"
He asked "What happened ?"
I said "It just wasn't working I guess"
He said "Damn man..."
I laughed "It's hard as hell you know?"
He asked "How you doin' with that?"
I said "I just want her to be happy, if I can't be the one to do that, then well, that's how it is"
He asked "You really feel that way or is that just how you're supposed to feel?"
And I said with every ounce of certainty
"I really do"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Inspiration these days is flooding me
"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she has no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up that you're okay?
They said bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she's moved while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"
The Script-Break even
A little over-the-top for me these days but this song makes me want to be a better writer. This song is just gorgeous.
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
Cause I got time while she got freedom
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she has no trouble sleeping
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even
What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up that you're okay?
They said bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cause she's moved while I'm still grieving
Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even"
The Script-Break even
A little over-the-top for me these days but this song makes me want to be a better writer. This song is just gorgeous.
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