I am but a man...

God, there are just too many thoughts in my head. This morning I thought my mind was going to expand so large it would take over the entire world. I was thinking about my family, my job, my health, my friends, my relationship. I woke up in the weirdest mood today. I woke up somewhere that makes me happy, but I was worried about the future. I woke up in someone's arms and that person filled me with all the warmth I could ever need, but I still wondered if I was letting her know how much she meant to me, or if I was good enough. I felt fortunate for my family, but was upset I wasn't on my own. Too many thoughts, too many fears, too many things to be happy about. I came to realize a little while ago tonight that there will always be too much of everything. Humans cannot exist in this world anymore without having too much of everything, but some things are good to have in excess. Laughter, the will to go on, strength, kindness, and someone to love. I was thinking earlier tonight that no matter how much my brain fills with doubt or sadness, there is always more happiness and hope to consume it. I am a happy man, a strong man, a loving man, a forgiving man, an honest man and I will live my life to reflect just that.



"People only see what they are prepared to see."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The world goes 'round

Change is fucked up. Any change. Something as small as forwarding your address, what does that mean? It means you've moved. You've changed where you live, your state of mind. You change. Your friends change. You make change. One true fact about this world is everything changes constantly. Every day is different. You say different things. You do different things. You change your mind, your feelings. I like change, I welcome it. It takes courage to accept change. Sometimes it's weird and frightening but the people who have their heads on straight will overcome it. It was hard for me to move back home, but I'm still here, alive, happy, what more could I ask. Life throws it in our face. We all have the tools to handle it. Loved ones, friends, our own sense of adventure. I can do it because I have an amazing family, even better friends, and a girl I am absolutely crazy about. Fucking bring it on change.

My jaw hurts

I find it ridiculous how one person can make me smile so much.

Until I soar again...

The future is a funny thing. So is the past. The present is the only thing you can really rely on because it's the only thing you really can hold onto. You memory gets fuzzy and you have no clue what life is going to bring you so the present is the clearest vision of your life. But even though that may be so, I like my fuzzy memory and I like not knowing what the future holds. I've been doing some thinking, mostly about where my life is taking me. I start school back up in the fall and that in itself is a new chapter. But what will that mean for my life? Where will I be in ten years if I go through school again? A new state? A new frame of mind? It both excites and scares the hell out of me. But I also look at the past a lot. Who you are depends on who you've been. I believe that a look down memory lane every once in a while is good. We are who we have always been. And who we are today is the most important thing. More important then the blueprints leading up to now. More important than the preparation and thought of the future. The most important thing we can do is be true to ourselves now. Live in THIS moment. I like who I am. Who I've become. What I'm doing with my life. Recently these days, I smile more than I ever have. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. That is what I am focusing on...

Strength...

It's not common. True strength. Strength is being able to come to grips with the bad in life and deal with it. It's admitting life is tough but overcoming doubt anyway. It's letting the horrible situations in life take you over, make you cry but then shattering the boundaries of your own fears. Strength lies in the heart. It is in your friends and loved ones. Strength is asking for help. Strength to me is a beautiful thing. When life throws holes in your path, holes that test our well being, it takes wits to avoid them. It takes true strength to fall in and pull yourself out again...

Writers block is a pain in the ass

This is my new best friend...


http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Writer's-Block

God damn

I hate goodbyes and it's simply because it means I'm not with her. I fumble my words because I can't look at here when I speak. Words cut out over the lines and I can't kiss her forehead through the receiver on her phone. I'm glad she thinks I'm so amazing and I'm glad I make her happy. It's all I ever want because she does the same for me. Tonight was a good night.

"She thinks I'm crazy
Judging by the faces that she's making
And I think she's pretty
But pretty is just part of the things she does that amaze me
And she calls me sweetheart
I love it when she wakes me when it's still dark
And she watches the sun
But she's the only one I have my eyes on

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight
You know I need you
Just like you need me
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming


And she moves in closer.
Whispering to me, 'I thought I told ya.'
And oh she's playing games now
And I've figured it out now that we're, now that we're closer
Two kids, one love
Who cares if we make it up?
Her voice is sweet sound
Our clothes lay on the ground

She moves in closer
Whispers, 'I thought I told ya'

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright.
Are you thinking of me?
Just come to me tonight
You know I need you
Just like you need me
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming.


Remember the day when we started this
And she made the shape of my heart with her hands
We try to make some sense of it
But she called me on the phone and said...

Tell me that you love me and it'll be alright.
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight.
You know I need you, just like you need me.
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming.

Go on and tell me that you love me and it'll be alright
Are you thinking of me?
Just come to me tonight
And she moves in closer
Can't stop, won't stop, I must be dreaming"


-The Maine, I must Be Dreaming




I'm making a mix as we speak and that's the first song because it's fucking awesome. It's funny how music has this power over us as human beings. Lyrics and melodies have this hold on our hearts and our souls. It can lift you up or tear you down and I love that about music. Memories flow forth from the soothing or crashing or rhythmic pulse of the song. I think we over look that sometimes. This mix I'm making, the songs on it represent what I feel right now for someone. It's funny how people I've never met seem to steal the thoughts and the love and the words right out of my mouth.

The sunshine and the ocean waves

Sometimes I just get so god damned homesick, even though I've lived here for so many years. It's just still in my mind, life back then. But then I think about all of the things that have happened to me here, good and bad. The people I've met, the places I've been, the things I've seen, the friends I love. I just miss it though. And I get so pissed off, but why? There's no reason for it. I have all of the feelings of beauty and warmth and safety in her. She brings out the best feelings in me. She is the sunshine. She is the ocean. She makes me so happy. I'll always miss home, but for now I have to remember that there are people who make this place more like home every day.

If people can change, then the world can change...

If you remember how the world was five years ago, ten years ago, you'll remember a world that was still on the fence about how much of a mess it was going to be in. It was a very tense time because everything was going so well but all it needed was a little push in either direction. Bill Clinton had the economy shining, we were in surplus, the middle east was still in shambles, but peace talks were happening. Alternative fuels and hybrid cars were becoming a reality. Now this isn't going to be a political post (even though the U.S. and the world started it's decent into hell once George Dubya took office), but rather what I have observed as a human being. The world now is on the home stretch. Countries both friend and foe are getting restless. Failing economies, civilian uprisings, fucking gas prices, everything in this world has changed from new innovations and handshakes between nations, to the last few straws on the donkey's back. It makes me worry sometimes. But a funny thing happened this past week. Thursday night I went out to this restaurant with my girlfriend. It was just a small Italian restaurant, in a small town, in a relatively small state. We didn't need to be rich, we didn't need to own billion dollar companies, we didn't need to be anyone but ourselves. We had the world on our table and we just talked, laughed, looked at each other and kissed each other. It was just what we needed. Just what I needed. Because it showed me that even when the world may not be in the best shape, all we need is each other. Human beings just need each other. We just need to feel something real. Money is not real, power is not real, buildings and empires are not real. Love is real. Friendship is real. Family is real. These are the things that we need to focus on. Some of us have lost sight of what's important. What's really important. Every since that night outside of that restaurant sitting with that amazing girl, I've realized that we just need each other. The world needs to realize as human beings, we just need each other. Stop the greed. Stop the fucking hatred, racism, bigotry. Just love everyone you can and offer your hand to those in need. Bring back humanity. The world can be a better place, we just need to start with ourselves.

Baby...

You make me sing...

Random lyric/thought

Water from the clouds is falling down and it blurs my vision
I could care less about the chill that runs up my arms
You have a vicious way of bringing warmth to my bones
It's something so passionate it splits the sky in two

Bring back the lightning, bring back the pounding in my chest
I'd hold the wind in my hand
Claim that I have the power to change the world
I have the power to change the course of where this ship will go


I'd kill to have that feeling back again...


But life is life is life, so I'm taking it all in
Every moment and every sight
Everything in life comes together and breaks away
And comes back stronger and I'm starting to figure out the rhythm






Sometimes I just write and see what comes out.

The good in life

The best things in life don't happen unless you take risks. Risk yourself and throw your heart out onto the table. Be who you are and hope people accept you. If they don't, too bad. Always be real, never fake. Smile when you're happy, cry when you're sad, never hold your emotions inside. Let yourself risk getting hurt, let yourself try something new. Follow your heart and do what you feel is right. Not what other people tell you to do. Fall in love; take a chance. Hope the other person feels the same. Love is a risk, it could bring either pleasure or pain. Sometimes both. Life is a gamble, you never know what it'll bring. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past. Find the good in everybody. Think positive; do positive. Break the rules and take a chance of getting caught. Dance in the rain when everyone else is inside. Don't follow the crowd. Who cares if you fit in? Wear your emotions on your sleeve and dive into love.

The sky is falling...

God damn. That was one of the longest and loudest thunderstorms of my fucking life last night. I couldn't sleep at all, I was forced to listen to the roar and watch the light show from my window. I hid my head under the pillow at one time to try and block the noise and the light but that didn't work. I guess that's kind of how life works too. Sometimes the patches of gray clouds and the storms and the thunder and the rain last for way longer then we can handle. Sometimes we feel like hiding under our pillow. But there will always be people there to help you through the storms that are in your life. It's better to face the clouds and the rain with someone standing next to you. In the end it will only make things better. We have to hold our heads up, even when we're facing the impossible. Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...

Love is all you need

Words and phrases and laughter and comfort can really change the tide of a night. I feel trapped in my own home, but talking to just one person tonight made me feel like I could fly anywhere I wanted to go. She's known to do that to me.

The future freaks me out...

I need to stop thinking about the past and the future and focus on what's happening right in front of me. Live for the moment kind of shit. Carpe fucking Diem...


"I'm on fire, and now I think I'm ready to bust a move."

Sunrise goodbyes

Man, I always fumble my words when I say goodbye to someone. To anyone. For some reason I just want to keep talking and to hear the person's voice. I didn't want to say goodnight tonight, I wanted to say "I wish I didn't have to stop hearing you speak, I wish my night could be filled with your words in my ear" but it didn't come out like that. What came out was the dribble of someone who's heart flutters every time she speaks.

Home sweet home...

God damn the man, I'm back home. There's about a million thoughts and memories going through my head right now, so to try and make some sense of all of it is an uphill battle. It's put me in a really weird mood these past couple of days, so hopefully after a week back home, that will go away. But life is going along just fine, I have my friends, my health, an amazing girlfriend and I still have my optimism about the future. I want to be a better person, she makes me want to be a better person. She gives me so much light, I want to try and reflect it right back at her, I think sometimes I just over-do it. It's just been so long since I've felt this way about someone that I want to tell her every second. I want to tell her I'm trying to be the best man I can be to her. That I look at life in a different way ever since she walked into mine. I just want her to know everything I'm thinking about her, everything that is in my heart and soul. But before I start to ramble I'll cut this short and say that even though I feel trapped in this house, this is my home for now, it has been for a while and I need to be thankful that I have a family to go back to. Some people aren't that lucky. Here's a song idea...



"When the sun is out
You make my day brighter
When the nights get cold
You make my body warmer

I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
From the top of this house
That you are the only one for me

But for now...that will wait

And I hope to god
That after I've talked your ears off
With a novels worth of words
You know that you're what makes me really sing..."




You mean the world to me.