True life like you don't see

Pick a movie. Pick a T.V. show. Pick a book. Well, a boomk isn;t that good of an example, but anyway. When you watch a movie or a T.V. show about heartbreak, or any type of break, be it the loss of a loved one, the toughness of dealing with life on the streets, what-the-fuck-ever it's about, they don't show the inbetween. Let'stake heartbreak because god knows.

They'll show the good.
Then they'l show the graduall downfall.
Then they'll show the breakup.
Then they'll show the breaker being sad but moving on.
Then they'll show the breakee being an absolute wreck.
But only right after.
The frst week maybe.
Life starts to unfold.
They go through the motions.
Then the director shows the most dramatic moments.
Seeing the love interest move on with someone else, the breakee goes crazy.
The breakee talking desperatley with their friends.
Drnking a lot.
Whatever it ma be.
But then the optimism shows up
The breakee hears something important, changes their life.
The breakee meets someone else.

Wellwhat about all of the things inbetween?

I got a notion to say what doesn't feel right

Recently, well, more so a couple months ago, I beat the shit out of myself over this whole thing. I would constantly tell myself I didn't do enough, that she didn't deserve to have a fuck up like me ruin her life. That all I did was bring her down and no wonder she needed someone else. No wonder she left me. I am completely done with that horse-shit thought process.


This may sound like a mean-spirited post, it's not, it's more of a cut-down to my recent way of thinking, if anything. She was and still is incredible, let me say that right now. So I'm prefacing this by saying I know I had a lot of problems. My life was kind of in a rut. It must have been hard for her to baby-sit a man who played video games and just went to work while her new life was unfolding. I get that. It kinda sucks but I get it. Another problem was not communicating my feelings, that was one of the biggest. She'd leave me the sweetest notes, tell everyone how amazing I was and I would just hide. I wouldn't tell her how much it meant to me. I kept so many of my feelings inside because no one gave a shit before I met her. I was scared to tell her how I felt because I feared one day she'd leave me. I was scared to argue because of the same reason. I was so childish about our whole relationship, I just got caught up in everything. I can't tell you how many times these days, every day, I go through our relationship and think about every time I could have said something, or could have wrote something, when I didn't. It kills me. She loved me and I loved her, the only difference is she told me constantly.


But sometimes love isn't said in words, its said in actions.


It's being there day and night. It's knowing they look more beautiful when they wake up than at any other time. It's always understanding where they are coming from. It's knowing them for so long and so well, you don't have to think about why a story they tell would make them happy or upset, you just know. It's knowing what little things would make them smile. It's picking them up when they can't drive. It's touching them and without words, letting them know how beautiful you think they are. It's never judging them. It's loving them for exactly who they are, not loving they're future. It's loving them, even if it meant living in a cardboard box the rest of your lives. It's listening when you're days are boring and theirs are full of stories about how their life is unfolding; and loving them even more. It's accepting when you're wrong. It's going out of your way and doing anything to see them. It's forgiving them even when they make you upset. It's staying in because all you need is their company. It's knowing that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter what happens, you have each other and before you fall asleep, you let them know.


So fuck me for ever doubting I didn't show her I loved her...

And I'm just trying to do things right

Every word, every message, every thought you send my way, puts me right back to the beginning. You have all the power in this. You can keep me close and as far as you want at all times. Live your life, but tell me the thoughts you think. Move on, but still look back at me. All the while I only look to you. What should I do? What are the right words?

And the answer is, nothing. Nothing I can say or do will ever change the fact that you don't want this anymore. And every time I make peace with that, your words come exploding into my head. And I pick them apart until I'm sick. Until I'm sick and I love it all at the same time. Because I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. But every time, it's not. It's just you being the wonderful, caring person you are.

What do I do?

When I'm still so in love...

What a mess...

I just need this fucking week to be over.

According to you

...sigh

It was the love I found

What could I do? I was just so blind. And I let it take over. And I let it slip away. And she doesn't kiss like you do.

A fading memory

This all starts with a tiny little spark
That turned into a flame and consumed my world
And before I got a chance to enjoy the warmth
I brought the cold winds down all around me



Just remember how you feel right now.

"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"

I love today

I made a decision and no matter the outcome, I will be happy.

Writing for the sake of impressing

I'm done writing words that I think other people need to see. From now on, my words are my own. If they see them, great, they'll always be from the heart. But it's time to make my honesty come full circle.

Moving through the motions...

I read an article today that really made me think. Usually when I read stories like this, I absorb what I can and move on. Well this one was a little different and I'm still trying to figure out why. Maybe it has to do with what has happened in the past couple weeks. Anyway. The story is about a musician Joshua Bell. He is the greatest violinist in the world right now. As part of a little social experiment, he dressed in ragged clothes and played in the subway in Washington D.C. with an incredibly expensive violin playing some of the most gorgeous music ever written. It was estimated that over 2,000 passed him in an hour. Out of those 2,000 people, only about nine actually stopped, including a small boy (who was hurried along by his mother) and only one person recognized him. When he stopped, there was no applause, people just walked, so obsessed with whatever they had to do.

It just hit me when I read that. So many people passed this man just because he was dressed like he was homeless. "Forget the beautiful music he's playing, he's just a derelict." I bet that was a common thought in those peoples' heads. We are so quick to judge. So quick to let the archetypes that we've drilled into our brains take over.

We move at a pace so fast these days. It's so fast we've forgotten what it means to really love the things that make life beautiful. We've stopped...stopping to enjoy everything this wonderful life we live has to offer. We get so comfortable we everything. We stop looking for new things, new ways to love, to learn, to grow. And I definitely have that issue.

I stopped showing her beautiful things. As much as I loved her, I got too comfortable. I know I've rambled about this before, so I wont do it again. I heard from her a week or so and it just brought back the flood. How amazing everything she did for me. How I wish I could run to her apartment and pour out all of the light she's given me, so she could see what I see when I looked at her, when I was with her. Bah. Here I go again.

The point of this post was, to just live life. Don't be so concerned with everything that you have to do. Don't be so obsessed with the future that it ruins the present. Live...and life will come to you. Don't just move through the motions, move with them, make the motions change the way you love your life.