And as the wind swept down the road...

Dear god the weather has been horrible these past few days. Last week it was beautiful and now it's just gray. Anyway. I had one of the most vivid dreams I've had in a while. It only lasted couple minutes but it was beautiful in a way. I walking on a road. There is a giant hill in front of me. The sun is either setting or rising; I couldn't tell. Either way everything is covered in a wash of purple and red and gold. I'm wearing jeans, shoes and a button up shirt. As I'm walking, it's like everyone I've ever known is on the side of the road. She's the last one I see. Well when I walk over this hill I see gorgeous buildings stretching miles into the sky, a brilliant light coming from the middle of this, what I guess is a city. That's when I notice the sky has never been bluer, it's breathtaking. Well as I walk I make no progress towards it all, I take a step, the city is a step further. All of a sudden a wind picks up and knocks me down and I see all the people on the side of the road fly towards this city. They all have sails in their hands and float effortlessly. Well I frantically search for mine and I have none. So I just walk. And it never gets closer.

I'm glad I had this dream. I'm glad I'm making changes, even though it's early to say that with any certainty. I'm glad she'll know I'm making them, she always wanted the best for me. I just wish she could be with me as I make them.

To quote my dream book...
"If you are in a wide open space with far off horizons, is this telling you something about how you feel in your waking life?"

Exactly.

Against all odds...

I need to make some changes. Drastic changes. Only changes to issues and problems, not who I am. I believe fixing these few problems will better myself in the end.

Stomach doctor appointment scheduled
Have the numbers for a therapist and a psychiatrist
Started working out at a gym in town

It feels good. At least it occupies my mind for a short time. I'd like to go back to school and actually try. I've realized over the past couple of days I must not like myself. And that's not a choice, I don't think of myself and think "What a douche bag" I can't really help it. I think that's why I try to fail at things. Push people away. Create situations in my relationships to hurt my significant other. Try too hard for them to like me. Well, hopefully that will be fixed soon. Medication is something I've put off for too long. You can't rely on it alone, but I'm sure it will help me repair my life. I'm excited for these changes. I just wish I would have made them sooner. I really do. Time to stop thinking like that. The mornings and moments right before I go to bed are the hardest. The rest of the day kind of moves in a blur. Kind of like a rainy fall day where you just don't feel like taking a step outside because the world doesn't look like it wants to be there either. It's all pretty hard but it's the mornings right when I wake up and the nights right before I fall asleep that are the hardest. I'm writing a book. That's the other thing. I've hardly touched the T.V. or my games these past couple of days. I'm really trying to read more and write this book. I think I'm crazy, but I've been told I'm a good writer in the past. Maybe it's time to take it to heart when they support me. Here's a little (cheesy) song idea,

"I have a girl, who thinks the world of me
But the world is just something that I couldn't be
I have cracks that I make worse on my own accord
But my girl, she'll just love me even more..."


Sweet dreams.

Too many lessons learned too late...

Very productive day so far. It feels good to get out and do things I should have done a while ago.

As I stand on the moutain cliff

It hurts a lot. Almost too much. But out of ashes things can still grow.

But as I'm waiting there
The devil on my shoulder stares
Laughing that the one thing I can't get
Is what I need

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine

My vocal chords have been fighting
My mouth likes to spite me
It never says the words that come to mind
I brought a stick to a gun fight
And I'm stuck with my tongue tied
I run but I can't hide what's always there is

She
She is the words that I can't find
How can the only thing that's killing me
Make me feel so alive

And I couldn't speak
I couldn't breathe to save my life
All of my chances swim
Like sinking ships
This time I think I'll drown or make her mine

I wish I could just say the right words and do the right things all the time. I know there are people out there that can and do and it makes me nervous.

I wish I could just shut my brain off.

"Watch you from the one's to two's
From a window in a well lit room
Become a recluse and I blame myself
Cause I make things harder I'm just trying to help..."

A living door mat

Please someone tell me what to do...

Bloooooooah

I'll tell you a story if you'll listen
If you don't know where you're life should go
Raise your minds and your hearts will follow
It's written in the falling snow

Have you ever felt like a bird
That missed its flight down south?
Flying through the cold and biting winter
Trying to grasp what your life is all about

And in the trees, they listen
They have their time to bloom and grow
And I've been such a horrible example
Of how a person should learn to love their life

To be completely honest
I haven't got a god damn clue
To be there for anyone
Other than myself and it rips me apart at the seams