Whoa

Man, what a crazy night. Been a weird morning too. But anyway, I had this crazy drunken post for last night but as you can see, I didn't make it very far. I think I made some good points to myself, but I wrote them in a very angry fashion. And that's not right.

Basically, I don't really like who I've become recently. Well, that sounds bad. I think I've lost a lot of my self-confidence. I got it into my head that people don't want to be around me, or how could they love me, or how could they think I'm funny. Well, that's fucking stupid isn't it? I am who I am. I like who I am. But I've let thoughts like change me into a submissive shell. I'm still the same guy I've always been, but I don't show it. And that's really sad.

On that point, I've beat myself up about not going to school and being really lazy about life. Well I forget that I was in two bands, one which almost made it. I spent those four years creating beautiful music, meeting a lot of amazing people, having the time of my life (almost too much fun sometimes) and living a small piece of my dream. So who the fuck cares if I didn't go to school? That's not to say it's not a smart idea. I really respect people who are in school or already did the work. It's smething I really wish I possessed. What I'm trying to say, is that I had an experience very few people will have. So I should be thankful. Like I've said, I want to try and go back to school because it's a really smart decision. I just need to remind myself I had my own 4 years of something incredible.

I also would have never met Kate if I went to school. That's crazy to think about. I wish I would have gone to school so that her and I would be at similar places, but then I never would have been at CPK when she got there, it's like some crazy paradoxical universe theory. But again, I am who I am and she fell in love with me back then for it. I should remember that. But anyway.

On the subject of music, the other night I went to Tony Doppke's studio and listened to some of the new Lake Shore Drive stuff. It is phenomenal. And just being there with those guys and some of their friends, meeting new people again, talking about everything, it really re-kindled my passion for it. I can't wait for the summer when we can give Addison Park a real shot. God damn, it was the most wonderful feeling I've felt in a ong time being there.

Well I guess that's about it for now. I was really hatein' (sp?) last night, glad I didn't post what I wrote haha.

It's time to put the light back into my life. I've learned a lot recently. I've learned I don't need to play the victim. To not lie. To be true to myself. To grow up.

I got a glimpse of a great life and even though I'm sad as hell it's over, I'd like to think we'll be better people for it. I know I will...



"I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who could only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'till the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring"