Against all odds...

I need to make some changes. Drastic changes. Only changes to issues and problems, not who I am. I believe fixing these few problems will better myself in the end.

Stomach doctor appointment scheduled
Have the numbers for a therapist and a psychiatrist
Started working out at a gym in town

It feels good. At least it occupies my mind for a short time. I'd like to go back to school and actually try. I've realized over the past couple of days I must not like myself. And that's not a choice, I don't think of myself and think "What a douche bag" I can't really help it. I think that's why I try to fail at things. Push people away. Create situations in my relationships to hurt my significant other. Try too hard for them to like me. Well, hopefully that will be fixed soon. Medication is something I've put off for too long. You can't rely on it alone, but I'm sure it will help me repair my life. I'm excited for these changes. I just wish I would have made them sooner. I really do. Time to stop thinking like that. The mornings and moments right before I go to bed are the hardest. The rest of the day kind of moves in a blur. Kind of like a rainy fall day where you just don't feel like taking a step outside because the world doesn't look like it wants to be there either. It's all pretty hard but it's the mornings right when I wake up and the nights right before I fall asleep that are the hardest. I'm writing a book. That's the other thing. I've hardly touched the T.V. or my games these past couple of days. I'm really trying to read more and write this book. I think I'm crazy, but I've been told I'm a good writer in the past. Maybe it's time to take it to heart when they support me. Here's a little (cheesy) song idea,

"I have a girl, who thinks the world of me
But the world is just something that I couldn't be
I have cracks that I make worse on my own accord
But my girl, she'll just love me even more..."


Sweet dreams.