All I wanted was you...

These past three weeks have just been...amazing, to say the least. It's good to know, my old self is still around. I can be happy. I can be myself. It's a great feeling. But more on that later.

Yes ma'am

I met a girl, I met a girl, I met a girl hey hey hey

Please...

Wow

So it's my 21st birthday in my dream last night, and I'm in a room with everyone from both Friday's (where I work currently) and CPK (where I worked at the time of my 21st). So we're in this huge banquet hall with these open windows that are about two stories high. The sun is out, but it's really dark in the room. So the DJ is playing something, like a soundtrack for a little kids' birthday. So we all decide it's lame and gather our shit and start walking out. Well the DJ says, well, more-so screams "You leave now, the day was for nothing and the nights will kill you!" Weird. So anyway, that was done.

So now I'm in this really weird house. The basement was not very wide but incredibly long (that's what she said). And there are all of these women directing all of these men in building something, it was never really clear. Then all of a sudden, everyone is ordering me to have sex with this chick, had no idea who she was. But in the dream I just ran, bolted out the door, which makes sense, because...

The next part of my dream, I'm in the southwestern part of the united states, there's red rocks, cacti, sand, the works. So I'm sitting in this really small bar, kind of a hole in the wall and I see Kate sitting at the other end of the bar. I don't think she sees me and I think "Would it even matter?" to myself. So this man comes up to me and pulls me into an alley and hands me this huge bomb and says I need to set it up against this wall and push a button (on said wall). He says it has to be done and there's nothing I can do, everyone in this little town or whatever will die. So I run into the bar and run up to Kate and she starts crying and we kiss. She says she heard about everything. So I'm out in the alley with a bunch of people from the town and Kate about to push the button, when the same dude who gave me my "mission" comes out of no where and knocks us all unconscious. Kate wakes up in my arms in a helicopter as we are flying away, we look back and see a huge explosion.


The End.


It was one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my entire life. It felt like it lasted the entire time I was asleep.

Last night was a fucking blast. I haven't had that much fun a a little while. That's probably why my dreams were a little fucked up.

Let me be cliche for a moment. Life will not always be easy. This we know. There will be times in the dark when you need some light. Times in the cold when you need some warmth. Times by yourself when you need some comfort. Times when your head is about to cave in when all you need is to be free of what life is giving you. But without all of that, who are we really? If life teaches you anything, it's that the back-breaking moments, the moments that are horrible, or even slightly annoying, always pass. Big or small, they always pass. Life is a glorious thing. And when we work for what we believe in, it will always reveal itself. Call it fate, call it the universe's plan, call it whatever you want, but it happens. So the next time even the smallest thing makes you unhappy, makes you feel agitated, makes the happiness leave for even a moment, know that you will do wonderful things in the life you live. It doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter if you think there is something about you that will hold you back, it doesn't matter if you don't do things like other people. It doesn't matter. Fill this life you live with beauty, with passion. Do this, and everything will be okay, even if it seems that's the farthest thing from you right now. If you can learn anything, learn this.

Your move destiny

Well, today I did something that may be stupid, may be unnecessary, probably agitating and maybe even more so hurtful. But it's the only thing that made sense to do. I've been really good about leaving her life alone. Three years ago I would have been so desperate, I would have pushed her away so fast. But every time since she ended things, it's been her that's contacted me. Mostly it was about getting my stuff from her place, I get that. And it was my own wishful thinking that got in the way of the true meaning of all those calls and messages. Nothing. It was nothing. Anytime she's contacted me, it was just to get something she needed and then she was gone. Leaving me with a sense of "This could have been..." Well now I get some power. I get some say. I'd never know if I didn't send it. Or maybe I would have. Maybe I didn't need to send anything, it would have worked out on its own. Well, tha's the gamble I take. I think I've earned it.

I never got a chance to say anything on the matter of our relationship ending for good. How could I? So I'm not looking back on what I sent. It needed to be sent. It was consuming every waking moment of my days. I've never felt more free.

Even though sometimes its nice, sometimes it makes feel like you're here, I'm glad I didn't dream about you last night.

True life like you don't see

Pick a movie. Pick a T.V. show. Pick a book. Well, a boomk isn;t that good of an example, but anyway. When you watch a movie or a T.V. show about heartbreak, or any type of break, be it the loss of a loved one, the toughness of dealing with life on the streets, what-the-fuck-ever it's about, they don't show the inbetween. Let'stake heartbreak because god knows.

They'll show the good.
Then they'l show the graduall downfall.
Then they'll show the breakup.
Then they'll show the breaker being sad but moving on.
Then they'll show the breakee being an absolute wreck.
But only right after.
The frst week maybe.
Life starts to unfold.
They go through the motions.
Then the director shows the most dramatic moments.
Seeing the love interest move on with someone else, the breakee goes crazy.
The breakee talking desperatley with their friends.
Drnking a lot.
Whatever it ma be.
But then the optimism shows up
The breakee hears something important, changes their life.
The breakee meets someone else.

Wellwhat about all of the things inbetween?

I got a notion to say what doesn't feel right

Recently, well, more so a couple months ago, I beat the shit out of myself over this whole thing. I would constantly tell myself I didn't do enough, that she didn't deserve to have a fuck up like me ruin her life. That all I did was bring her down and no wonder she needed someone else. No wonder she left me. I am completely done with that horse-shit thought process.


This may sound like a mean-spirited post, it's not, it's more of a cut-down to my recent way of thinking, if anything. She was and still is incredible, let me say that right now. So I'm prefacing this by saying I know I had a lot of problems. My life was kind of in a rut. It must have been hard for her to baby-sit a man who played video games and just went to work while her new life was unfolding. I get that. It kinda sucks but I get it. Another problem was not communicating my feelings, that was one of the biggest. She'd leave me the sweetest notes, tell everyone how amazing I was and I would just hide. I wouldn't tell her how much it meant to me. I kept so many of my feelings inside because no one gave a shit before I met her. I was scared to tell her how I felt because I feared one day she'd leave me. I was scared to argue because of the same reason. I was so childish about our whole relationship, I just got caught up in everything. I can't tell you how many times these days, every day, I go through our relationship and think about every time I could have said something, or could have wrote something, when I didn't. It kills me. She loved me and I loved her, the only difference is she told me constantly.


But sometimes love isn't said in words, its said in actions.


It's being there day and night. It's knowing they look more beautiful when they wake up than at any other time. It's always understanding where they are coming from. It's knowing them for so long and so well, you don't have to think about why a story they tell would make them happy or upset, you just know. It's knowing what little things would make them smile. It's picking them up when they can't drive. It's touching them and without words, letting them know how beautiful you think they are. It's never judging them. It's loving them for exactly who they are, not loving they're future. It's loving them, even if it meant living in a cardboard box the rest of your lives. It's listening when you're days are boring and theirs are full of stories about how their life is unfolding; and loving them even more. It's accepting when you're wrong. It's going out of your way and doing anything to see them. It's forgiving them even when they make you upset. It's staying in because all you need is their company. It's knowing that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter what happens, you have each other and before you fall asleep, you let them know.


So fuck me for ever doubting I didn't show her I loved her...

And I'm just trying to do things right

Every word, every message, every thought you send my way, puts me right back to the beginning. You have all the power in this. You can keep me close and as far as you want at all times. Live your life, but tell me the thoughts you think. Move on, but still look back at me. All the while I only look to you. What should I do? What are the right words?

And the answer is, nothing. Nothing I can say or do will ever change the fact that you don't want this anymore. And every time I make peace with that, your words come exploding into my head. And I pick them apart until I'm sick. Until I'm sick and I love it all at the same time. Because I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. But every time, it's not. It's just you being the wonderful, caring person you are.

What do I do?

When I'm still so in love...