Recently, well, more so a couple months ago, I beat the shit out of myself over this whole thing. I would constantly tell myself I didn't do enough, that she didn't deserve to have a fuck up like me ruin her life. That all I did was bring her down and no wonder she needed someone else. No wonder she left me. I am completely done with that horse-shit thought process.
This may sound like a mean-spirited post, it's not, it's more of a cut-down to my recent way of thinking, if anything. She was and still is incredible, let me say that right now. So I'm prefacing this by saying I know I had a lot of problems. My life was kind of in a rut. It must have been hard for her to baby-sit a man who played video games and just went to work while her new life was unfolding. I get that. It kinda sucks but I get it. Another problem was not communicating my feelings, that was one of the biggest. She'd leave me the sweetest notes, tell everyone how amazing I was and I would just hide. I wouldn't tell her how much it meant to me. I kept so many of my feelings inside because no one gave a shit before I met her. I was scared to tell her how I felt because I feared one day she'd leave me. I was scared to argue because of the same reason. I was so childish about our whole relationship, I just got caught up in everything. I can't tell you how many times these days, every day, I go through our relationship and think about every time I could have said something, or could have wrote something, when I didn't. It kills me. She loved me and I loved her, the only difference is she told me constantly.
But sometimes love isn't said in words, its said in actions.
It's being there day and night. It's knowing they look more beautiful when they wake up than at any other time. It's always understanding where they are coming from. It's knowing them for so long and so well, you don't have to think about why a story they tell would make them happy or upset, you just know. It's knowing what little things would make them smile. It's picking them up when they can't drive. It's touching them and without words, letting them know how beautiful you think they are. It's never judging them. It's loving them for exactly who they are, not loving they're future. It's loving them, even if it meant living in a cardboard box the rest of your lives. It's listening when you're days are boring and theirs are full of stories about how their life is unfolding; and loving them even more. It's accepting when you're wrong. It's going out of your way and doing anything to see them. It's forgiving them even when they make you upset. It's staying in because all you need is their company. It's knowing that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter what happens, you have each other and before you fall asleep, you let them know.
So fuck me for ever doubting I didn't show her I loved her...
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