Damn

Albums on repeat:

John Mayer-Battle Studies
Sherwood-QU
Paramore-Brand New Eyes
Lyyke Li-Youth Novels
Brighten-Early Love

Also the 30 Seconds To Mars single "Kings and Queens" absolutely takes my fucking breath away.

Well it's about time I suppose

Snow is here. Hooray! I'm not that excited about it, but there is something bigger that the presence of the snow represents. It's a challenge. A challenge for me not to hide this winter. To keep the attitude of bettering myself constant through this usually horrible time. That's why I'm sort of excited about the snow. It'll be a nice change I think. I've lived the past seven or eight years hating the winter, it might be nice for me to welcome it. The nights will be long. Not looking forward to that.

I'm still sad, but it's different. When I used to get sad, I would beat myself up, I would think the world was ending and it was my doing and that made everything worse, it affected everyone around me too, in a bad way. These days I'm sad for my lose, I miss it so much but I'm not beating up myself over it. I'm not killing myself over it. Sure I've written here (maybe too much haha) that I need to change, I need to repair and that's true, I have become somewhat of a different person, but making things better will help everything. I know that sounds confusing but it makes sense. I can handle things differently now.

I'd just like to think of this as a time I can take this season and build a stronger everything. Winter is known to make things cold and brittle and miserable. Well, maybe I can use that to my advantage, when my body breaks, build it back better. When my mind is cloudy, the storm will settle and it will be clearer. When my heart and soul are frozen solid, the ice will melt and they will be stronger. That's what I'm excited about this winter. It's almost perfect. Almost.



"It sure been a hard, hard winter
My feet been draggin' across the ground
And I hope it's gonna be a long hot summer
And a lotta love will be burnin' bright"

It's the waiting

It's gonna be a good day.

Trying to sleep tonight

What to do, what to do, what to do?

Navigating the battlefield

It's a gray day. Not the greatest day for optimism. But I'm gonna wrap myself up in it anyway. It's all I can do right? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think a lot of things. There are many battles left to face. I'm only starting out. Things are going well so far, at least as well as they can. Luckily this time, instead of just saying I'm going to change some things for the better, I'm actually doing them and that feels great. It's enough to feel good about. But there's still something missing. And that's how it's going to be for a while. I wish I could change it, trust me, I've been trying to figure it out. If I had the power or the knowledge or the right words I would. It's like stepping through a minefield with a blindfold. You already lack the knowledge of where the danger is, the blindfold doesn't add any advantage for the field, it's just there to add an even greater sense of weakness...well that's a little cliche, probably going in the book haha, I'll have to come back and work on that one.

I know how I feel, I am aware of everything and I guess that's one battle I've got under control. Well I could ramble on and on and "woe is me" until I'm blue in the fingers, like the last couple weeks, but that's not how I feel these days. I'm glad I'm finally working on my fears and my childish tendencies. I'm glad I'm seeing the sunshine in the gray skies, as hard as that is to do. I feel like new things are on the horizon. Not necessarily better things, just new things. I'm going to be a better person in the long run. And that's the war I'm fighting. And I might just survive this one.

Music

Like I've said before, music is a funny thing. I've listened to it even more lately. Really listened. Music that I would never think to listen to, music that I would have shrugged off as being "stupid" or "not my style" I've listened to it. And there is one thing I've found. The words and the notes are someone's art. When we listen to songs, we are listening to someone's very essence. There is a reason they wrote it. So what if I think it sounds cliche or over-produced or too simple? Brand New, Nickelback, Kelly Clarkson, Blink-182, Nelly, all of those people have the same beautiful connection. Music is the pouring of your emotions into a burst of dramatic highs and heart pounding lows. Sure we all do it differently, but music is mankind's greatest gift to itself and the one emotional outlet we all share. It is gorgeous and heart-wrenching and it speaks to us on levels we didn't even know we had. I don't care for the band Shinedown at all, but I heard a song of theirs and I stopped, literally stopped what I was doing and listened to it. For a moment that song spoke to me in just the right way. I was happy they wrote it. I was overjoyed but sad that the person who wrote it went through what they went through. And God damn, that is an amazing feeling. I don't know their motives for when they wrote the song, could be for women, could be for money. But for me, they wrote that song to help anyone who'd listen.

Music is something we judge, enjoy, criticize and love everyday. But we all (including myself) take it for granted sometimes. The world would be a horribly quiet place without music. The world needs it. I'm going to love every note when I hear one. I'm going to think of every word they wrote and why they felt the way they felt when they did. Such is the beauty of music.

Hmmm

"Life is making running changes. You can't stop to fix things. You have to mend the sail while you're still at sea."

-John Mayer

Gah

I suppose I've been acting like a child. I've listened to everyone but myself. I've tried to cover my feelings by going overboard. Truth is, I just need to heal. And I need to do that the way I know how. By putting love in my heart, not regret. Hope, not fear. Understanding, not vengeance. A new light, not the same old darkness. I need to do these things.



Just live your life full of love.

Sometimes

I would work at it if it could happen. I would go back in a second. I've woken up and I'd share that. But you can't cling to hope. But I can cling to my passion for this. Even with a broken heart, she is beautiful and all I've ever said was just that.

Sunshine

What a gorgeous day...