Hope

It's a dangerous thing. When you want something, any shred of hope can make you soar, because you're ready to give it everything. It's sad I have to calm those feelings down.

Everyone says and does things with their own intentions. You know what you feel and what you want your actions to present. But a simple word or touch or look can mean a thousand different things to someone. If they have an idea or hope of what they want that word or touch or look to be, they'll feel it. And they'll make it what they want.

I need to just accept certain things. Every time I do, I feel a sliver of hope and it distorts my words. It hinders my actions. A simple letter on their part and I think it's the sign I've been waiting for. And what do I do? I start to over-think. The words I write back are cautious but optimistic and I craft them to try and say what I've been feeling these past months. But it was just a letter, a simple message. So my words just set me back. Because I let that hope take over. I'm not saying I'm giving up on hope, without hope we are nothing. I'm just saying, I need to take things as they are.


If it's going to happen again, it's going to happen. I want life to be like the movies. I want to climb up a balcony and pour everything onto the streets and it will work. Well, unfortunately, I don't get that right, and I've come to peace with that. I've come to peace with the fact that if it's not me that's going to make her happy, well fuck, she deserves the person that will. So let it go.

"But then" I think to myself, "what if she's just waiting for you to try, and you're messing it up by letting it go..."

Well, what if I say these things and it turns out I just look like a desperate lunatic? You'll just never know. And that's the million dollar question isn't it? What to do. What to do.


So I'm living my life full of love these days. I'm cutting out the sadness of what doesn't matter. I'm bettering myself because that's what she wanted. I'm going to send her all of the positive feelings I can and wish her nothing but happiness because it's what she deserves and it's what I always wanted. And I think that's pretty good for my end. I'd like to think if I do that, life will present itself. It's all I can hope for.



"And if it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state
You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way
And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down
Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out..."