I understand. At least I think I do. And in the end, I'm sure it will all make sense. I'm just so heart-broken...I can't stand it.

Some dreams makes sense if you really think about them. Last nights was an eye opener.


All I can remember of it, is that I'm standing outside of an apartment complex begging and pleading to a women to let me upstairs. I end up across the street outside another building and I get the bright idea to swim underneath the building I was trying to get into from the pool inside this other building. And I do. And it's Kates' new apartment. I spend hours trying to get her things, make her food, make her drinks, doing everything and anything in her apartment. I'm cleaning, I'm setting up furniture. But I'm not spending time with Kate. And she ends up shaking her head at me. And then I wake up.

I miss you already...

If we go down, we go down together, best friends means...

I am so fucking sick of this. I get so upset over the littlest things and for what? Someone who could care less. Someone who that, even if I did express my frustration, would pass it off and blame me anyway. So I'm done. I'm done over-thinking this. Done trying to be a best friend to someone who let's me phase in and out of their life whenever it's convenient for them. It's always about you and your life. I've fallen in, out, and back into love and you have no idea what that means to me because you never give a shit. The stress about my future, my job, none of it matters to you at all because it's not YOUR job or YOUR future or YOUR stress.

And yes, maybe I'm to blame too. There was a time before when we had a falling out and I made some bad choices and I'd give anything to take them back. I know sometimes I disappear for no good reason but at least I always return with the same belief that our friendship is strong and that you've got my back. It's so sad that that has changed and that I can't rely on my best friend for anything consistent these days. I just want it to be like when we were younger and so excited about the world and what it had to bring. And now you can't see any beauty, any passion, life is all one sarcastic joke to you. Evereything is never cool enough, or ironic enough. Well we make our own lives, we fill it with what we want to see. And I want to see the sun and the good in everyone and that all things can work out if we want them too. And maybe this online proclamation of my anger and sadness is childish and cold, but to be honest, I could care less.

I'm far to scared to grow my wings

I'm so bad at goodbyes.

I just left Kate's house and it's hard for me to put into words what I feel when I say goodbye to her. So I'll try to explain by giving a little example of what happens in another aspect of my life.

I consider myself someone is good at all of the middle parts in life. What I mean by that, to start, and this will all make sense, is that it takes me a long time to learn things sometimes. I get frustrated, lose hope, give up. I'm a man who's grown up needing to do everything on his own, so when I have people helping me or teaching me, I get this rush of anxiety that I won't live up to the expectations or that I'm not cut out for it etc. So when I actually get to the point where I'm on my own and I have the skills to do the job, I soar. Yes, I still have my pitfalls, as do all people, but for the most part I'm comfortable, confident and I do good things. But the same feelings that are present in the beginning come back when something ends. Be it a job or a relationship or a band, whatever it is, I always wonder if I did my best, what led to the end, was it me? Was it something I did or didn't do? And it sucks. That's why I don't do well with death, or relationships ending, or even the parting of people from my social life. So I want to focus specifically on how this applies to the way I handle love.

I think, (although it's been said this is false) that I am absolutely horrible at initiating the spark of a relationship with a woman. I get nervous, my voice cracks, I wonder if I'm going too fast or too slow, I wonder if I'm being charming or weird, if I'm dressed up nice enough or too much; it's ridiculous the amount of crazy shit that goes through my head when I'm first talking to a girl I'm attracted too. That being said, when it actually plays out and the first few months have passed, I start to calm down. I start to be comfortable that I actually deserve this and this other person does really want to be with me. I'm almost obsessed with love and I think it's the greatest feeling in the world to make someone elses life better if you can. That's why I love being a part of a relationship. I want them to feel amazing and I want to be a factor in that. I want to give them so much because that's what they deserve. Anyway, this is turning out to be way too long, but that's a good base. I don't think I need to go into detail about how I feel when a relationship ends, I think I made even myself sick on that subject.


So that brings me back to Kate...

The flood of words above and the situation it presents can be applied to every time I see Kate, only not as grandiose. When I talk to her on the phone, my fingers slip when I try to answer, I talk louder to disguise my shaky voice. I stutter. I lose my train of thought. When I see her, my body has to take a step back. I get a little nervous. I can't believe this is the girl I get to be with. So when all that passes, I feel comfortable, and the rest of the time is amazing. But then I have to say goodbye. And now I'm finally getting to the point. It's late. I'm a couple beers in. Sue me.

The truth is, I don't want it to end. Anytime I spend with Kate, it just sucks I have to leave, or when I talk to her, I hate having to hang up the phone. But if it has to end, I want to make sure it ends with her knowing how amazing she is. How beautiful I think she is and how every moment I've spent with her make me feel invincible. And that's why I'm so bad at goodbyes. Because she'll never now all of that because it's not possible to put it into words...

She makes everything seem ok. No matter what's happening right now or how worried I can be about what's going to happen, she's there to lay those feelings to rest...

The never ending battle of my dreams and my reality...

It feels these days as if I'm at the same point I've been before a thousand times. My dreams and my emotions hold dominance over my common sense. I feel I should do the things that make sense to do, but I find my head and heart want more. I just don't know how to get there sometimes. It's like knowing you should use a lamp when it's 2 O'clock in the morning, but feeling like you could cause the sun to rise a little earlier, but I guess I'll write more later.

And "Inception" was incredible

And you make me smile so much it's crazy...

When dreams wake me up...

Baby, why can't we sleep?
At least with all this aching in my bones
I can't take the cold side of this bed

The water is still in my head
And the sun is still in my eyes
And it's crashing into my dreams

And I know we're scared
And no one really knows
But let's just hold on
And see where this goes

Paths won't clear
If you don't walk them

Fuck what other people say. At the end of it all, it's what's inside your head and your heart that matters.

Storms

So maybe I've already been here before. Maybe I've said these words before, always too soon and never with the right meaning I have in my mind, where they started from. Even now as I ramble about some words that I have perfectly constructed into a picture in my head, it comes out as a mess. Maybe it's because I'm just so excited to share what I've thought about. Maybe I try too hard without keeping my feet on the ground. Maybe I should think of things differently sometimes. Because maybe real life isn't like the world I day-dream in sometimes. Maybe other people have tried what we are trying and failed. Maybe they didn't believe in it strongly enough. Maybe they did, and it just didn't work. Sometimes it happens. And maybe I'm always a little too serious. Well, I know I'm too serious sometimes. So let me be serious one last time, at least for a while. Maybe this is all crazy. But maybe we can be happy. Maybe this is what it takes sometimes. Maybe this is what they write stories about, movies about. Maybe this is the story grandparents tell to their grandkids about how this all used to be. I hope so. Maybe this is one more storm to brave. And maybe we'll make it out, maybe we won't. But for you, it's always worth it. Being with you will always be worth any price or any pain or any thing. Alright, enough of that.

I have to float back down to the earth once in awhile, I get too caught up looking at how beautiful the sky is. But I think sometimes, it's nice to look at life that way, like nothing bad is going to happen because from where you're standing, everything in life is just gorgeous. We all need a little light like that sometimes. So I promise to keep my feet on the ground while I look at the sky if you promise to spend a little time with me in the clouds...