I should live in salt

I know you don't check this anymore. But if you find yourself here again, I want this to be the last thing you read. This used to be such a…weird thing. This used to be something I thought was bigger than me and I was all "poetic" and "inspiring." But it was mainly the drunk ramblings of a man that had no idea who he was or what he was doing. Well I know now and maybe it's too late.

It's poetic really, that my last post on this…thing, is one about you. It's always been about you. Since the moment I first saw you as those doors opened up, I knew you'd be a constant. A star. The moon as it pushes the waves. The fire in the heart of the earth that keeps it spinning. I've learned recently though, that some things aren't meant to be constant. That constants are there because there are so many things that depend on them. But on earth, things break down. Trains are late. Computers freeze. Cars break down. Life is so full of uncertainty, and pain, and frustration. Life is messy, these days there are just so many…things…that can happen. So many avenues to find out about those things. So many ways to communicate, or not communicate. This life has become a whirlwind of old ideas turned new and vice versa. We live in such a "I have no fucking idea what's going on" type of world. Sometimes we figure it out, but deep down, it's there. Everything is new and everything old is slowly fading away. And we're all just scattering to adapt. But sometimes we find the calmness that gets us through it all. Sometimes we find someone to guide us.

Because you're bigger than cars. Bigger than trains. Smarter than computers. More certain about what it is life means to you than anyone I've ever met. We've both been fighting very different battles these past few months. But what's beautiful about us, is that we've been fighting them side by side. I know now, I might not be the man who you fight alongside with for the rest of our lives. I had a very emotional day today. Good emotional. The kind of emotion that comes from cold wind and bright sunshine. And I realized that, even knowing you for a minute; getting to experience your heart and mind and hear your thoughts and views about this little blue marble we float on, was enough. I am the luckiest man in the world for even owning the privilege to call you by your name.

So if this is it for us, I will go on feeling love and hope. Because even though I would always miss you and I would always want to be your love, I know that maybe it was only meant to be for a short while, to show us both some things about this life we live. We've been through so much already and I still sleep next to you. We've had our desperation and our fear, but we still laugh together. There is something so beautiful here, who knows what it will turn out to be. Whether we choose to re-discover this or walk away, I'll have loved you and always will. But you know me and even though I write those words, I won't give up just yet. Not a goddamn chance. So if you ever read this, maybe months or years from now, just know, that no matter what happens or where I am or what I'm doing...


When you're ready, I'm ready.


Always,
Dave

Temporary Solitude

"Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault"


Here I sit. It's almost 1:30 in the morning. I'm listening to Alanis Morissette while writing a paper on the Six Principles of the Constitution while my fiance sleeps in the next room with our cat and I'm not going to band practice tomorrow night but I'm going to my Para Legal Studies class. If I went back in time and told this to 19 year old me, he'd say "Are cell phones cooler?". That, or, "What!? WAEF doesn't make it!?". That was my naivety back then. It's strange, how we grow.  How seven years ago I was a COMPLETELY different person. That sounds extreme, especially because of the caps lock, but I was. I still had my same ideals (for the most part) and I still had my general outlook on life. Isn't it wild how much we grow and how fast? Well I like who I am and where I am.

Blue Cheetah

"In the middle of the night, I may watch you go
There'll be no value in the strength of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown
But I'll be yours if you'll be mine

Stretch out my life and pick the seams out
Take what you like, but close my ears and eyes
Watch me stumble over and over

I have done wrong, so build your tower
But call me home and I will build a throne
And wash my eyes out never again

But love the one you hold
And I'll be your gold
To have and to hold
A lover of the light

Skin too tight and eyes like marbles
You spin me high so watch me as I glide
Before I tumble homeward, homeward

I know I tried, I was not stable
Flawed by pride, I miss my sanguine eyes
So hold my hands up...breathe in, and breathe out.

So love the one you hold
And I'll be your gold
To have and to hold
A lover of the light

And in the middle of the night, I may watch you go
There'll be no value in the strength of walls that I have grown
There'll be no comfort in the shade of the shadows thrown
You may not trust the promises of the change I'll show
But I'll be yours if you'll be mine

So love the one you hold
And I will be your gold
To have and to hold
A lover of the light"

Mumford and Sons- Lover of the Light






There have been many forms of self documentation over the thousands upon thousands of years of us as a species. Cave paintings, ink on paper, online updates. For a few years this medium of mine has been dedicated to one person.  A person I thought was who I was going to spend forever with. A person who is a beautiful person, as we all are beautiful people. But I think from now on, if I'm going to add to the saturation of online personal-bitch-about-life/gush-about-successes-this-crazy-small-thing-happened-to-me-today...I'm going to make it about the woman I'm going to marry. The woman who has shown me the light at the end of my shadowed life. I'm going to make it about my daily revelations.  I'm going to make it about how beautiful and sad I think life is. How funny and how depressing life can be sometimes. What I'm saying is, I don't want it to be about one person anymore. I want it to be about the one person who matters. Me. And the poeple that matter to me. Because if only three people are going to read this, they need to know, I'M who it's about. And I love many things. I love my fiance, I love my cat, I love my life, as hard as it is sometimes. So from now on, honesty, not deception. Love, not hate. So here we go. A lover of the light. Writing about his source of brightness. The love of his life. The darkness of his low moments. The sunshine of his highs. Just me. And that's all I need. Love.

As this alcohol and nicotine course through my veins...

Pushing the tide away

"I can not hold this anymore
My hands are tired of only waiting to let go
And I am waiting...still

I used to know which way to turn
You were a light inside a tunnel in my head
I try to follow...still
I try to follow...still

It's hard to see you, we are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
This is a black and white of you I've found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down

No more apologies from me
My arms are tired of picking up what I put down
You're all I think of...still

I'm gonna miss you everyday
I turn my back on anyone who won't believe
And it gets lonely...still
It gets lonely...still

It's hard to see you, we are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
This is a black and white of you I've found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down

I get lost sometimes
Another year flies by
But I know if I try
Memories of the light in your eyes
Can take me back in time

It's hard to see you, we are older now
And when I find you, you just turn around
This is a black and white of you I've found
I hang you up and then I pull you down
I hang you up and then I pull you down

I don't hear music anymore
My ears are tired of all the pictures in the words
Cause you are in them...still"

Yellowcard-Hang You Up



There are still pages left of words I need to say. But maybe it's best to just let them go.

A drunken poem

I wish that I was there with you
Or that you were here with me
The snow is melting so fast
And it's making dripping sounds from the trees

I feel like the ice
Melting from the side of my house
I make puddles in the grass
I'm just a muddy version of my former self

I hear your voice in every little sound
I hear the sun rise
And the moon fall
And I love everything these days

How does a person
Make sense of every atom
Every song
Every picture

Well I've learned
It's with the heart
It's with the soul
It's with love

And who am I to say
I know the secrets
Because no one person could be farther
From believing anything

It's my mind that's damaged, my mind that's broken
My heart only pumps the same old blood
Through these same old veins
That don't understand the life I live

So let me be honest
It's my time to walk through fire
I've never been burned like this before
But I like you're warmth

And I like the way you burn away the frost
The never ending cold
I sleep in the winter
With the windows open

And as these nights pass
All I think about in my dark room
Is that I wish that you were here with me
Or that I was there with you...

I wish I could just let go.

“Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you..."

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's unfaithfulness in relationships.

I miss you so fucking much.